Are You Letting Other People Shape Your Destiny?

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Other people start influencing us as soon as we’re born. Parents tell us what’s good and bad; friends become reference points that guide us; teachers pass ideas onto us.

Many of the things we learn are useful, e.g. “running with scissors is bad”. Other lessons are harmful. Being called ugly or dumb in high school can “teach” shyness, fear or passivity for life.

Even as adults, we let others affect our self-esteem; what we can or can’t do; what we believe in. But what if you really didn’t care about what others think?

You could talk to strangers without embarrassment; go out alone and not feel awkward; do the things that were reserved for better, cooler people in the past. When external approval becomes unnecessary, magic starts to happen.

It’s time to ask yourself if you’re letting other people shape your destiny and find true freedom.

How Other People Shape Your Identity

When I was 11, I fought a boy who was older and bigger than me. I lost. After that, I avoided physical confrontation for years; I didn’t want to get hurt again. Getting beat up taught me to fear conflict.

You’ve probably had similar (not necessarily negative) experiences.

Let’s say you tried playing guitar, everyone loved it and you realized music was your thing. Or maybe you tried to fit in at school, got bullied and felt that you were meant to be a loser, inferior to other people.

The point is, other people’s actions have shaped you in the past. Being punished or rewarded made you do more of certain things and less of others. And the fear of – or desire for – more reward/punishment is still affecting you today.

How Your Identity Shapes Your Reality

When you go out somewhere fancy, do you ever worry the venue might be too cool for you? Do you feel scared to ask girls out because they’re too hot for you?

Those feelings arise when you want to do something that doesn’t align with who you’re supposed to be. You want to get your nipple pierced – but you’re afraid of what your mom might think.

Here’s another personal example that illustrates what I mean.

When I was small, my classmates called me names. Eventually, I got used to seeing myself as the loser they said I was. In my mind I was an unattractive, unpopular kid.

As I got older, my classmates changed and the other kids actually treated me well. How I saw myself, however, didn’t change. In my mind, I was still a loser.

When someone was nice to me, I chalked it off to luck or coincidence. When someone was mean to me, I felt I deserved it. Subconsciously, I was afraid to overstep my “boundaries” and step into the unknown.

That’s how the human mind works. It encourages you to focus on things that fit with your identity and ignore everything else. And if your identity isn’t aligned with what you want in life – or your true self – everything sucks.

Have you ever been too afraid to try new things, make a life change, do something bold and crazy? Stuck in patterns of low self-esteem no matter what you achieve in life? Unable to believe that you deserve better things and people?

If anything on that list ever happened to you, your real self is misaligned with the identity other people created for you.

The Truth About Who You Can Be

I’m just not that kind of person. I could never do that. It’s too late for me to try this.

If you’ve ever thought any of those things – if you’re thinking them now – STOP. You are not what other people expect you to be. You can be anyone; do anything.

Here’s a short list of people who succeeded despite going against common sense and what everyone thought was possible.

• Haruki Murakami was 29 when he started writing; he had a degree in drama and owned a jazz bar. Too old for a career change and unqualified, he became one of the world’s greatest writers.
• 41-year old swimmer Dara Torres competed in the 2008 olympics. Despite being past her prime and 15-20 years older than her competition, she won 3 (!) medals.
• A 10-year old boy sang in a local fair show and placed fifth. He suffered from stage fright; his classmates called him “trashy.” His name was Elvis Aaron Presley and he would go on to become the king of rock.
• Once upon a time, Harrison Ford supported himself and his family by becoming a self-taught carpenter. His big break (American Graffiti) came when he was 31 – an age by which most aspiring actors give up.

I’m not trying to say we can all become star athletes and singers and writers. But if you let go of the identity others have created for you, you can be anything you want. Who knows – you might even change the world or become a rock-star.

Sounds good, right?

Being Your Real Self

To summarize what I’ve said so far:

• Other people start shaping your identity as soon as you’re born.
• The identity and the real self are different.
• By letting go of what other people think, you can do anything.

So how do you stop letting other people shape your destiny and find your true self?

The first and best thing to do is practice positivity. I wrote an article called 5 ways to stay positive every day a while ago. It has 3,500 tweets, likes and stumbles – I think it’s a pretty good post.

When you build up your inner optimism and positivity, you’ll notice that you care less and less about what others think. When you feel really good inside, it’s easy to live in harmony with your desires.

Once that’s done, you need to develop awareness and a solid sense of who you are. I’ll talk about both in the upcoming weeks, so stay tuned.