To a man romantically interested in a woman, few phrases are harder to hear than “let’s just be friends.” It’s a rejection made even more painful because it creates a glimmer of hope, giving no closure but leving many questions.

Does she really want to be friends? Will she eventually see how good you’d be together if you stay friends? What does the phrase really mean and what’s the best way to respond?

With this post, I’d like to end all speculation and answer these questions once and for all.

What “Let’s Just Be Friends” Really Means

So you start hitting on a girl you like, but at some point get rejected with some version of “let’s just be friends.” Common variations include:

• You’re too nice.
• I’m really busy with my job/career/pet right now.
• I value our friendship too much.
• I like you, but I’m not ready to date anyone yet/this is a bad time.

Women use lines like these to say “No” without hurting a guy’s feelings too much. The problem is, none of these phrases make it 100% clear that a girl’s not interested – or why she’s not into you. And without closure, it’s easy to get stuck in emotional limbo.

If you’re so nice, why won’t she see you? If she likes you enough to be friends, why won’t she give dating a chance? What’s really going on and is there anything you can do?

These are all good questions, and I hear them often from my clients. I usually respond with a question of my own:

What would she do if you were Brad Pitt?

She’d make time; risk your friendship; get over her ex in a heartbeat. If you were a man of extremely high value, she’d be chasing you instead of blowing you off. So every time you hear “Let’s just be friends” or a variation thereof, you’re really hearing: “You’re not attractive to me as a man.”

It hurts to face the truth, but at least it’s better than not knowing. So why don’t girls just blow us off directly, cutting us loose and allowing us to get closure immediately?

Why Girls Do It

You might think that girls are protecting us with these indirect, ambiguous rejections – at least, that’s the explanation my lady friends usually give me after Let’s Just Be Friend’ing some poor schmuck. But the reality is, they’re protecting themselves.

Humans are social beings, and we dread rejecting and breaking up with others – even when necessary. It makes us feel bad about ourselves and girls don’t want to feel like jerks by blowing guys off directly. It’s easier to say “Let’s just be friends” than “You don’t attract me as a man.”

Sometimes, there’s more than just the ego at stake. You might be unattractive sexually, but offer something else: gifts, attention, a self-esteem boost, help with her chores… There’s no reason to cut you off completely when you could still be useful. It sounds rough, but humans are value-seekers and there’s no point in severing ties with someone who can offer you something.

Of course, it’s actually best to reject someone completely so they can get closure and move on. Leading someone on – even a little bit – is selfish, and doesn’t protect anyone’s feelings in the long run. If a person really cares about you, they won’t make excuses for not wanting a romantic relationship – they’ll tell you the truth. Keep that in mind if you ever think someone’s being nice by using “Let’s Just Be Friends”-type lines.

So ladies, if you’re reading this – when you don’t like a guy, make it very clear that you’re not interested. This makes it easy for him to move on and means you won’t have to deal with him pursuing you to the point of annoyance.

Guys, if you’re reading this – when a girl says, “Let’s just be friends,” get the hint. She doesn’t want to be friends, she’s not busy and it’s not because she doesn’t want to risk your current relationship – she’s just not that into you. Don’t delude yourself.

Remember: honesty is the best policy and ensures nobody gets hurt. If you don’t like someone, leave them no hope; be 100% clear, regardless of your sex.

The build-up to sex is always similar, whether it’s a one-night stand or a couple’s first time together. Men act by showing interest, proposing dates and physically escalating towards intimacy. Women react by allowing or rejecting these advances.

Here’s the tricky part. Guys want to start having sex as soon as they’re attracted to someone. Girls are different – they work hard to delay physical intimacy, at least until they feel ready.

As a result, many men think of sex as a kind of favor; something women don’t enjoy but give to us once we’ve “earned” it. The big question is – is it true? Do men really want sex more than women?

Who Wants It More?

First of all, it’s true – guys do want sex more. Kinda.

On average, men think about “doin’ it” 19 times a day, women – “only” 10. Guys have stronger libidos and want to get intimate more frequently and consistently as a result.

Having said that, it’s ignorant to think that women don’t love sex. After all, they can get multiple orgasms; the clitoris has more nerve endings than any other human organ. In many ways, the female body is better adapted for receiving sexual pleasure than a man’s!

Another common misconception is that women like “pure,” missionary-position, lights-off sex. Some clients tell me stuff like: “I fantasize about dominating her in bed, but I’m scared she won’t like it if I try.” The underlying belief is that women don’t enjoy sex – and the rough, kinky stuff is especially unpleasant to them.

This couldn’t be further from the truth. 62% of women have fantasized about being overpowered – and forced to have sex – by a man; many are turned on by the idea of being with multiple men.

While these are just fantasies, the point is that girls want the same dirty stuff we do! They think about sex (if only 10 times a day); they enjoy it more than us physically; they have the same kinky fantasies we do.

So why can women appear so unenthusiastic about doin’ the horizontal mambo?

Why They Act Like They Don’t Want It

Women have two good sets of reasons for acting like they don’t want sex – or withholding it from an interested male.

The first set of reasons is biological and goes something like this.

The 2 natural functions of a living organism are to survive and procreate. To do the latter successfully, a man simply has to impregnate a woman. She, on the other hand, has to carry an unborn child around for 9 months.

So to improve the probability of their offspring surviving, women have evolved to prefer sexual partners who stick around and take care of them during pregnancy. Making guys wait for sex helps filter out the impatient, unreliable ones. If he’s not willing to wait for sex, he probably won’t be there during the pregnancy!

It doesn’t matter that you might be using condoms or other contraceptives. This defensive mechanism is automatic. If you’re sleeping with a woman, she’s subconsciously allowing you to impregnate her – so the reflex to delay sex gets activated no matter what.

On top of that, there are social reasons for women to act like they don’t want sex.

In our society, promiscuous women are looked down upon and given negative labels like “slut” and “whore”. Girls are very conscious about these labels and what other people might think of them if they act on their sexual impulses.

(This is why seduction theory has an entire phase called “isolation.” It refers to getting a girl away from her friends, because women will rarely – if ever – be openly sexual around people they know. The risk of looking like a “slut” is too high.)

The fear of public opinion is also why girls often say things like “I don’t usually do this…” before going home with us. It’s not that they don’t want to – they’re just afraid we might think they’re sluts and rationalize they behavior. The desire to look like a “good girl” prevents them from expressing their sexuality openly.

What It All Means For You

Getting back to the original question – “Do men want sex more than women?” – yes, they do, but only a little. Women enjoy it at least as much and even have the same dirty fantasies as us.

The problem is, they’re biologically programmed to screen men more thoroughly than vice versa. On top of that, they worry about public opinion and looking promiscuous. As a result, they don’t act on their sexual impulses like we do.

The best way to transform this knowledge into more sex? Learn to be patient, discrete and non-judgmental.

If you like a girl, don’t rush her into sex. Be open about your desires, but don’t force things too much – she’ll let you in when she trusts you. She needs to feel that you’ll stick around, and the best way to show that is by being patient before sex.

Also, give women the chance to express themselves freely. Don’t judge them for enjoying sex, and make it clear that you’re a discrete man who can keep secrets. If she knows that her actions will never be judged or disclosed to other people, she’ll start having all the glorious, glorious sex with you that much faster.

Back when our ancestors lived in primitive communities, caring what others thought of you was a necessity; ignoring someone’s opinion could result in catching a rock to the head or being hit with a club.

In a modern, less physically violent society, things are different. Paying too much attention to what others think messes with your self-esteem while offering no real advantages.

Imagine having a sense of worth that doesn’t rely on the opinions of others; being calm and self-assured no matter what anyone says or does. It’s a great trait to have, especially if you’re someone people look to as a leader.

Here’s how to stop caring what others think of you.

It’s Natural To Care What Others Think

As you go through life, you’ll hear all kinds of talk, get told that you’re a god or a total bastard. You will meet people who dislike what you stand for; want you to fail; lash out because of the pain they themselves feel. It’s part of the human experience.

Consciously, we know it doesn’t matter what others do or say. But subconsciously, we can’t help but listen and be affected. We are social beings; paying attention to the words of others is part of our natural programming.

So when someone says or does anything that attacks your sense of self-worth, it’s normal for your self-esteem to take a hit. When a girl rejects you, a friend betrays your trust or a co-worker insults you, the natural reaction is to feel bad about yourself.

You’ll never be able to stop other people from trying to hurt you – but you can make the choice to resist those attempts by remembering one important thing.

Your Opinion Is Always More Accurate Than Theirs

Let’s say you need fashion advice. Would you go to a friend who dresses well and spends a lot of time studying fashion, or a friend who has very little experience with clothes?

In the same vein, imagine you see two doctors about a nasty flu. One has just started working weeks ago while the other has been dealing with patients like you for years. Who do you listen to?

In both cases, you’d defer to the person who has more experience. It’s obvious, right? The more time you spend doing or studying something, the more qualified your opinion on the matter is.

This leads me to my next point…

Nobody has spent more time around you… Than you!

This means no other person is more qualified to form an accurate opinion about you. You are the world’s foremost, most experienced specialist on yourself. No other person’s opinion of you will ever be as accurate as your own.

You wouldn’t rely on an inexperienced doctor for medical advice; you wouldn’t come to a friend who can’t dress for fashion advice. So why let anyone affect your self-image – the way you view yourself – when you know better than them?

Exercise: How To Know Yourself

Since nobody knows you better than you, other people can only affect your self-esteem when you’re confused about who you are and look to them for answers. But when you have a strong opinion of yourself, you will never have a reason to care what others think of you.

To develop that kind of strong, solid self-image, do the following exercise (it only takes a few minutes).

1. On a piece of paper, draw a table with two columns. (Use paper and pen, no cheating!)
2. In the left-hand column, list all your good qualities, talents and advantages. They don’t have to be extraordinary; you can write “good swimmer” without being Michael Phelps so long as you’re pretty good at swimming.
3. In the right-hand column, list all the things you’d like to improve in yourself.
4. Keep the two lists somewhere accessible and read them once or twice a week. As you gain new qualities and reach your goals, cross out and add the items on the lists.

If someone tells you something that’s not on the list, your mind will discount it as false. If someone tells you something that’s on the list, it won’t matter because you already know it. As you do this exercise for weeks and months, your self-esteem will become invulnerable to any form of attack.

Does This Mean You Should Ignore Other People?

This post is not a call to ignore other people’s opinions. A doctor may be very well qualified, but he will still go to lectures; fly out to symposiums; consult with other professionals in difficult situations.

Similarly, you can make the choice to take other people’s thoughts and advice into account. But when you do, it will be a personal decision and not something you’re compelled to do. You will be in charge of your self-esteem; nobody else. This way, you can filter out toxic, harmful information coming from people who are trying to harm you (intentionally or non-intentionally).

At the end of the day, the only thing everyone likes is money. Unless you possess the unique ability to transform into a 100$ bill, people will dislike you. Since we no longer depend on paying attention to the opinions of those people for survival, being able to tune out what others think of you is a great skill to have.

Stay humble, do the exercise in this post to create a strong identity for yourself; you will stop caring what others think of you for good.

The other day I talked to a friend who’s fallen for a guy who doesn’t like her back (and is actually dating someone else). We’ve all been there and it sucks; wanting to give someone the world and knowing they don’t feel the same.

When this happens, the natural reaction is to think that giving will win the person we want over. We give gifts, time, energy and even sex to people in an effort to make them like us. But if you’ve tried to seduce a girl by smothering her with attention, you know how well that works.

(Not well at all)

If you really want to make a girl fall for you, she has to make an effort to get you. The more she invests in you, the more attractive you become in her eyes. Here’s how you can make the woman – or women – you want chase you by forcing investment from her side.

We Like The People We Invest In

Many years ago, I read that doing someone a favor makes you like that person more. At the time, this made no sense. Shouldn’t we like people who give us stuff and dislike those who take from us?

Logically, this is true – and nobody likes being forced into giving too much. But if you think about it, the people we like the most are also the ones we’re deeply invested into.

We don’t like the girls who give us their affection easily; instead, we fall for the ones who make us work hard to get them.

We don’t like people who are too friendly and familiar from the get-go; we prefer to be around the people we have to win over slowly.

How about this typical situation: a guy addicted to a girl who causes him nothing but misery. We’ve all experienced this first-hand or through one of our friends. In these situations, a man will do anything to please the girl even though she might be a total jerk to him.

Why do these situations happen? Why do we get hooked on people who are bad for us and appreciate people we have to work hard to get into our lives?

The answer is simple: it’s because value is subjective. I might be a wise, valuable teacher in the eyes of a student but a jackass to a girl I hit on when she was having a bad day. Other people are only as important as we make them out to be.

So when you invest in someone – whether it’s time, money or energy doesn’t matter – your subconscious thinks: this person must be valuable if we’re being nice to them. And since value is what attracts us to other people (think groupies going wild over rockstars), we like the people we invest in.

Where Guys Screw Up

Most men, being creatures of logic, fail to grasp everything I’ve just said. They think that you win a girl over by giving, not taking.

When they begin to give too much and make a girl disinterested, they react by giving even more! Thus begins an infinite spiral of him falling deeply ever-more deeply in love while continuing to drive her away.

The way to turn this around, of course, is by forcing investment. By making a girl invest in you, you can turn any relationship into one of mutual interest – or make women chase you (take your pick).

When I say “force investment,” I’m not talking about physically forcing a chick to give you her car keys. Or holding her up at gunpoint while your buddy loads her T.V. into the trunk of your car.

Here’s how you do it.

3 Ways To Force Investment

A. Investment Through Acceptance Of Touching And Flirting

If a girl doesn’t say “no” and/or walk away in response to what you’re doing, she doesn’t mind. A disapproving look, moment of silence or temporary rejection means nothing.

So when you take a girl’s hand and she lets you without saying anything, you’re good – she doesn’t mind. If you try to kiss a girl you met at the bar, she turns her cheek but continues talking to you, you’re good – you’ll get your kiss in a different time or place.

Having explained that, understand that by accepting your touching and flirting, a girl is investing herself – just like you are by doing those things. Every time you do something new – touch her arm, hold her hand, squeeze her butt – and she lets you, she’s investing in you. She might say nothing, but her acceptance speaks volumes.

If you want to make girls chase you, add touching and flirtatious/suggestive talk to your interactions with women you like. Go slow at first – a touch on the arm here, a compliment on how great she looks there – and keep upping the ante until she’s deeply invested and interested in you.

2. Investment Through Gift-Giving And Following

The most obvious way to make someone invest in you is by encouraging them to give and do stuff. Here are some examples:

• Ask her to buy you a cup of coffee when you have no cash on you.
• Ask her to wash the dishes while you go out to get food for the two of you on Sunday morning.
• Ask her to be the designated driver if you’ve had a long week and could use a drink.
• Ask her to cook you a meal for your next date.
• Ask her to get you a postcard or gift when she goes on vacation.
• Ask her to tell you about something more personal during a date. For example, if you were making small talk and discussing work, ask her who she wanted to be as a child. If you were discussing who she wanted to be as a child, ask her what her current dreams are. The more you can get her to share herself with you, the more invested she becomes.
• Ask her to come with you as you go out to run errands or go grocery shopping – in fact, ask her to do anything! If she obeys, she’s making an effort for you.

I’m sure you can come up with more ideas and apply them on your own. The point is the same: the more she gives, the more invested she becomes, the more reasons she has to fall for you.

3. Investment Through Putting Up With Your Bad Behavior

Another form of making someone invest is by being a bit cold towards them. The more bad behavior a person puts up with, the more invested they become.

I’m not telling you to become a manipulative asshole, create drama and inflict pain on other people. But we all have times when we don’t feel like talking to anyone or being nice. When that happens, don’t feel the need to fake warmth for her sake.

Instead, just be yourself. Accept that there are highs and lows in everything – including how much you want to be with other people and even the girl(s) you love.

Also, don’t make the mistake most guys make – don’t smother chicks with positivity and appreciation! We all need to hear some firm (or even harsh) words and actions from time to time. If she’s screwing up within the relationship, being disrespectful or unloving – do the natural thing and be a little cold.

As in all the previous cases, she will be investing in you simply by sticking around and, at the same time, fall more deeply in love with you.

If you can understand these basic principles and include these behaviors in your life, you will make women fall for you through investment. Once they become intensely interested you, you’ll the reverse boy-courts-girl dynamic and have women chasing you… Or simply enjoy an equal relationship where nobody has to do any chasing.

Knock yourself out and use these tools responsibly!

Most people don’t know what they want to do, where they want to eat or how they feel about things. Instead, they let mass media and the strong leaders in their lives decide for them.

As a man, you have the power and responsibility to be one of those leaders. Whether you want to help others or dominate them, this is an ability you naturally possess – and it’s easier to exercise than you think.

Let’s talk about why the people around you don’t know what they’re doing and what you should do about it.

Nobody Knows Anything

As a kid, I’d look at grown-ups and other children and think they have all the answers. This is natural – growing up, we learn “normal” behavior from peers and adults.

Unfortunately, we often get used to being led by others and keep looking for someone to follow when we grow up. This causes people to do crazy things – e.g. worship celebrities and letting mass media influence their values.

It finally hit me that nobody really knows anything a few years ago. By nature, I dislike leading and being lead – I believe in equal relationships. However, I noticed that many of my everyday conversations went like this:

Me: OK, so what do you guys wanna do?

Friend 1: I don’t know.. I could eat?

Friend 2: I don’t know about food, what else is there?

Me: Well, we could go watch a movie.

Friend 1: Alright, that sounds good. What movie should we see?

Friend 2: I don’t know…

Me: How about the new Aquaman movie?

Friend 1: OK, let’s go!

Friend 2: Yep, sounds good.

As much as I wanted to make decisions collectively, the people in my life rarely knew what they wanted. Unless I guided them towards a definite outcome, discussions would always drag on.

The same was true for debates. I realized that few had strong opinions or stuck to their guns in arguments. Even worse, they got their ideas from other people and mass media instead of forming them independently. In short, they weren’t sure of anything – ever.

Out of a desire to simplify my life, I decided to try something new – I became more assertive in my opinions and suggestions. That’s when interesting things started to happen. 

The Power Of Conviction

Think of a kid getting picked on in school. He gets called “fat” or “ugly” and really starts to feel this way, simply because a child with a strong opinion called him those things. Adults aren’t much different.

When I made the choice to ask less questions and make more assertive suggestions, people would agree and obey. In fact, they enjoyed being lead because it removed the strain and responsibility of decision-making.

This was shocking to me, but that’s how social dynamics work. Humans prefer to take the path of least resistance, and you can create that path by creating scenarios where someone else simply has to say “Yes.”

This is especially true with women. Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the past 20 years, you’ve heard that “girls like guys who can lead” millions of times. Well, the rabbit hole goes pretty deep on that one – the women in my life love letting me make the decisions in just about everything.

And no – there is nothing you have to change to “transform” into a leader. The people around you don’t know what the hell they’re doing; simply having a strong opinion will make them follow you.

Guiding People: The Blueprint

It sounds a bit creepy, but the vast majority of people prefer to be followers; not leaders. It is therefore your responsibility to guide them if you have the capacity and knowledge to do so.

To make people like you and convince them to take on your ideas, simply have strong opinions; suggest instead of asking; never flinch or waver. Don’t be a bully but don’t be shy about sharing your thoughts and desires.

To guide people towards specific actions or choices in conversation without being overbearing or rude, you can use these patterns:

• Why don’t we… [Go get a drink?]
• Are you cool to… [Have lunch at T.G.I. tomorrow?]
• Let’s … [go back to my place and cook something] … Alright?
• [Give me a backrub] … Please.

You’re not talking to household pets, so you shouldn’t give direct verbal orders. But suggesting an action that’s easy to say “Yes” to while being polite/leaving an exit strategy (Alright?, please, etc) will compel most people to do what you ask of them.

This is one of those things that doesn’t seem real until you experience it. That’s why it works – we all believe that other people know what they’re doing. This is why people will follow you if you act like an assertive leader.

Just remember that with great power comes great responsibility. When the people around you feel compelled to obey your suggestions, it’s tempting to take advantage of them.

But if you’re at the point in your life where you’ve decided to step up and apply the advice in this post, I’m sure you’re better than that. Now go out there and be an awesome leader to the people in your life.

As a man, you will often be compelled or expected to give things to other people. From paying for dates to supporting their families, the male sex has a long history of giving – and that’s cool.

Generosity gives us satisfaction, creates social power and is attractive to women. It’s a selfless personality trait reserved for the best of men. Unfortunately, most guys suck at giving and repeatedly make the same mistake year in, year out.

If other people have ever let you down, disappointed you or responded to generosity with ingratitude, read on; all these things are the direct result of the big mistake men make when giving.

The Price of Expectation

When giving anything – time, money, energy – we often have ulterior motives. “I’ll take her out on a nice date so she puts out later.” “I’ll be nice to him because he can help me with work.”

Hell, one study even found that men are more generous around attractive women for a better shot at getting laid!

When you give like this, you create expectations of what you’ll get in return. And when some of them inevitably don’t pan out – when that guy doesn’t help you or that girl doesn’t sleep with you – you feel let down and hurt.

This is why so many relationships fail, too. We’ve all heard people say things like “I do this and that for him, but he never even…” – haven’t we? This is what happens when you give with ulterior motives: you set yourself up for pain.

Even worse, giving just to get something in return is manipulation in its purest form. As you come to expect and even need a certain outcome in return for the things you do, you become a demanding, needy manipulator.

Now think: is that the kind of person you want to be? Are neediness and manipulation attractive or healthy? No and no; being strong and independent is much better for you and the people around you.

So how can you overcome expectations and develop those traits?

Start Gifting

People often talk about “extending generosity to the needy” because those two concepts – generosity and neediness – are opposites. One state describes abundance, the other – absence.

Of course, generosity and neediness don’t just apply to money – they exist in all areas of life.

In social dynamics, being needy is the kiss of death. Few things are more repulsive than someone who needs you or your approval. You might sympathize with a beggar, but few will ask one to coffee – and this is true for emotional beggars, too.

Generosity is the opposite: an attractive, happy state. A man who shares freely and doesn’t care what anyone thinks or does in return is extremely attractive. Tim Tebow – a guy everyone loves for his ability to give freely – is a great example.

When you share freely and without reservation you’re destined to be happy because nobody can let you down or cheat you. Generosity makes you emotionally bulletproof – and is damn sexy to boot.

Here are the 2 fundamental rules of true generosity.

Rule 1 – Never Give What You Can’t Afford

Going back to dating, men will spend too much money on gifts and dates and feel disappointed if they get nothing in return. I’ve seen men spend up to hundreds of thousands of dollars at a time this way.

The solution is simple: never give what you can’t afford to. If an expensive date means spending 50% of your salary, don’t do it. If someone asks you to run an errand on a busy day, refuse. If you do, you’ll be tempted to expect something in return – and that’s toxic.

Don’t give people things you are not abundant in yourself, or at least don’t do it often. Set firm boundaries on what you are and aren’t willing to give. This way, your generosity will always be honest since you have nothing to lose if it isn’t reciprocated.

Rule 2 – When You Have Something To Give, Give Freely

When giving something you’re poor in, there’s a temptation to expect something in return or feel bitter about making sacrifices. But when you give something you are wealthy in, you are creating value for other people without losing anything. It’s a true win-win situation.

And since we’re all attracted to value creators and repulsed by value takers (i.e. needy people), being generous will make you incredibly attractive to those around you.

As an added benefit, when you only give what you have in abundance and expect nothing in return, you create your own emotional peace. You’ll never be let down, taken advantage of or otherwise hurt; you’ll never manipulate anyone or be manipulated yourself.

The question is, what do you have to give? I give my friends good conversation, positive energy and the occasional insightful advice. These are things anyone can give, but few choose to do so generously. Find what you have lots of – whether it’s money or smiles – and share it with the world. Alternatively, work on developing your value and share it with others.

Giving is one of the most wonderful things a man can do. Things go wrong, however, when we turn into needy manipulators by giving with expectations.

So stop expecting and start gifting. Have boundaries that stop you from sharing what you can’t afford to; find what you’re abundant in and share it freely. Everyone will love you for it.

As kids, didn’t we all want to be liked and accepted by everyone? I’m sure you can remember how important being popular was in school; how much fitting in mattered.

But if you look at your adult life, you’ll realize that not much has changed. Everyone still wants to be liked and fears being disliked. Being hated by another person is very upsetting, being shunned by a group – devastating.

Why do we care about what others think of us so much? And what should you do when people don’t like you?

As Cavemen, We Were 100% Reliant On Other People

Think back to the Stone Ages. Back then, our ancestors did everything in groups because that was the best way to survive. Hunting in a group meant bigger prey; sleeping in a group meant being safe; living in a group allowed for specialization, the basis of modern society.

Since surviving solo was real tough back then, being kicked out of your group often meant dying. Even if you could survive on your own, the chances of finding a stray female to mate with were low. Being alone meant being unable to survive and/or procreate – the two main functions of any living organism.

As a result – whether through adaption or natural selection – humans evolved to fear being disliked by groups as well as individuals they have any relationship with. To your subconscious mind, getting rejected or kicked out of a social group is just as scary as death.

This is why we want to fit in and be accepted; this is why rejection hurts so much; this is why being disliked by other people is one of the most terrifying things in life.

When People Don’t Like You

As explained above, being disliked elicits the same emotional response as the risk death. This is something we all experience as humans; it’s part of our hardware. The natural reaction is to act in ways that create and maintain good relationships with others.

• We tell others white lies to protect our relationships.
• We stay in toxic, unloving relationships because of the innate desire to others over.
• We want to prove ourselves to others when challenged or slighted.
• We hide our real thoughts if we feel they might be offensive to others.

But in a world of over 6 billion people, does it really matter whether someone likes you or not?

In the stone age, being kicked out of a social group meant death. In 2012, finding new people is easier than ever before. Between the internet, cheap airfare and a huge world population, you’ll always have new people to try your luck with. And even if every single on the planet hates your guts, we no longer rely on each other for day-to-day survival!

If you set out to be liked, you would be prepared to compromise on anything at any time, and you would achieve nothing. – Margaret Thatcher

If a girl rejects you, there are hundreds of millions of women you can still have. If you lose a friend, you can find a new one. If you get kicked out of a social group, you’ll still fit in somewhere – the possibilities are infinite.

So when a person doesn’t like you, the natural reaction is to make them like you – or get upset. The next time you feel tempted to do either, ask yourself:  with a near-infinite pool of people you can socialize with, why bother?

You can put invest a lot of time and effort into winning over someone who hates your guts; true. Or you can ignore that person and make a much smaller effort to meet someone who does like you.

How To Be Loved And Have A Good Life

We’ve all met people who agree with everything we say, are mega-nice to us for no reason, etc. Since they’re so busy winning our approval, they don’t have a chance to show us their personalities and come across as bland.

You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something sometime in your life. - Winston Churchill

Don’t be like those guys (and girls). Be genuine, stand up for what you believe in and express yourself freely. You’ll alienate many people – some may even hate you – but you’ll have the love and admiration of most. People love, the free, the bold and the uninhibited.

Let go of people who don’t like you. Do it before you even meet them by refusing to sacrifice your dignity and power of self-expression self for someone’s approval. At the end of the day, this isn’t the Stone Age – you don’t need to be liked by everyone!

 

Those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind - Bernard M. Baruch

So what should you do when people don’t like you? The answer’s simple: cut them off. Never stay around people who don’t appreciate you. Their presence is poisonous; just by being around them, you’ll become convinced you that you’re unworthy. Stick to the people who like you. The more you do this, the more you surround yourself with positivity and appreciation; it’s a great way to live.

As a cool side-effect, you’ll also find that the people who do like you do so very intensely when you’re unafraid of being disliked. It’s a great way to live; have fun with it.

The 2012 Olympics started this weekend, and many were surprised by Michael Phelps’ coming 4^th in the 400m relay. Equally shocking was Usain Bolt coming second to Yohan Blake at the Olympic Trials a month ago.

Both men are incredible athletes in their prime and world-record holders in their sports. But after watching their recent performances, many wonder (1, 2) if they’ve been partying too much and training too little lately.

That’s how life works. It doesn’t matter if you’re a regular guy or a one-in-a-billion talent; if you aren’t continuously driven to be successful at what you do, you lose. Motivation is everything.

But how do you the fire within? How do you find and maintain the motivation to kick ass at everything you do?

Since I’m a naturally lazy person, I love techniques that keep me enthusiastic and driven. Here are some of my favorites; 5 ways to make motivation a habit.

Eyes On The Prize

Here’s one of my favorite stories, told by Jim Carrey on the Oprah Winfrey show in 1997:

“I wrote myself a check for ten million dollars for acting services rendered and dated it Thanksgiving 1995… just before Thanksgiving 1995, I found out I was going to make ten million dollars for Dumb & Dumber. I put that check in the casket with my father because it was our dream together.”

We often become unmotivated because the intense desire for our final goal gets lost in the everyday struggle. That’s why keeping your eyes on the prize like Jim Carrey did is such a great way to stay enthusiastic.

Personally, I meditate on the things I want to achieve every morning. You can do that or keep a written reminder; it doesn’t matter. Just keep reminding yourself of what you want and you’ll feel compelled to work hard.

Reward Yourself

In The Outliers, Malcolm Gladwell states that mastery in any given field requires 10,000 hours of practice. You may not want to go that far, but the book’s message is true: long-term consistency is key to success.

But how do you find the strength to remain consistent week in, week out? What do you do when you really don’t feel motivated to do anything?

The answer is simple: reward yourself for taking action!

Here’s a personal example. I get fat fast, so I don’t eat junk food or sweets. But if I make it to the gym on a tough day, I reward myself by having whatever I want before or after the workout.

Apply the same concept to your life. Every time you do something hard (but necessary), reward yourself. Eventually, your brain will learn to link pleasure with consistency and motivation will become a habit.

Use Your Pain

When I was 16, I weighed 200 pounds (90 kg) and stood at 170 cm; in other words, I was obese. I hated sports, sweating and being outside; I preferred cake.

One day, I decided I’d had enough. I took up sports and changed my diet, losing over 45 pounds in a year. Guess what kept me going then and keeps me going now?

Knowing how much it sucks to be fat.

I know that no workout, no new sport will be as bad as feeling bloated and unhealthy. There is nothing you can do to keep me out of the gym because I’m genuinely terrified of being fat again!

Check out my article on harnessing your pain and use it to keep yourself motivated, especially when you reach your goals and become tempted to let up.

Keep A Diary Of Successes

The road to any worthwhile goal is long and hard. It’s tempting to despair and give up when you stumble. To stay positive and driven, keep a diary of all the successes and positive experiences you get on your journey.

You got to the gym although you only slept 2 hours last night? Write it down.

You talked to a girl even though you were scared to death? Write it down.

You went out alone and had fun talking to strangers? Write it down.

By focusing on the upsides of taking action, you’ll teach your brain to link action with pleasure – and boost your self-esteem as well. 

Enforce Discipline

Every time you force yourself to do something, you use your finite resources of willpower and motivation. No matter how excited you are about your goals, you‘ll eventually get tired of making hard decisions and taking right action.

A cool way to save your willpower for when it matters is discipline.

When I started working out, every visit to the gym was a challenge. But since I’ve been doing it for years, it’s something I now do automatically. I don’t need to be motivated before going to the gym; it’s just a habit, like brushing my teeth.

You might think that discipline makes life hard. Nothing could be more wrong. Discipline makes difficult things easy and is a great way to stay motivated without burning out.

Like I said earlier, I’m a very lazy person by nature. I’ve used these techniques to keep myself and my students motivated throughout the years; I hope you find them useful.

Leave a comment and share your own thoughts on motivation – or your results from using the exercises in this post.

If you’re a man, you have to agree there’s something magical about women. Like a beautiful sunset, a snow-capped mountain or a gorgeous painting, the right girl will make you lose your breath.

It’s all too easy to get overwhelmed by this feminine beauty, whether internal or external. When this happens, men put women on pedestals and treat them like objects of admiration instead of real people.

In my case, it took some rough wake-up calls to realize that girls are, more or less, just like us. When I finally “got it,” girls started hitting on me a lot more often; my relationships with girls improved tremendously.

I’d like the same change to happen for you. To make that happen, here are 5 reasons to stop putting women on pedestals.

1.             This Just In: Women Are Human!

Imagine you’re on a date with a girl who ignores everything you say and just keeps complimenting your looks. No matter how amazing or into you she is, you’ll be creeped out since she likes you superficially and doesn’t care about the real you.

This is how girls feel about guys who place them on pedestals.

Yes, women are amazing. They look beautiful and being around them feels beautiful. But when you admire them instead of communicating person-to-person, they can tell you’re being shallow and fake from a mile away.

Admiring the opposite sex is one of my favorite pastimes, but remember that women are people – not objects to be admired!

2.             The Madonna-Whore Complex Will Screw You Up

The Madonna-Whore complex is when you view all women as “either saintly Madonnas or debased prostitute-like personalities.” (My buddy Rami of Gutsy Geek has a great post about this right here.)

Now back to the topic at hand.

When a man puts a woman on a pedestal, he’s also elevating her to Madonna status. He’s attracted to an imagined “purity,” and ignores her sexuality. This is why guys find it hard to make a move on “that one special girl”; their mind tells them she’s not a sexual being.

This is the kiss of death for any relationship. If you put a girl on a pedestal to the point where you can’t be sexual with her, you’ll never have her. And even if you do get her, the relationship will leave both of you unsatisfied sexually.

3.             They Don’t Want To Be Above You

Men who put women on pedestals are always trying to win them over. They turn pleasing the girl into their #1 priority; friends, hobbies and work come second.

The ironic thing is, no woman wants to be the biggest part of her guy’s life. If you don’t believe me, look at Twilight – the franchise every girl seems to be crazy about.  

Does Bella fall for Jacob, the guy who’s ready to do anything for her? Hell no! She goes for the dude who always has something else to do and is outwardly unsure whether he wants her or not.

Learn from this and remember that there’s more to life than girls. Don’t turn them into a #1 priority; nobody wants that.

4.             They’re Far From Perfect

Both sexes have their own screw ups; overall, we balance each other out. But as a man, you might get distracted by a girl’s beauty and feminine energy and forget this.

My big wake-up call was seeing two girls, best friends for over a decade, fight over me. It was a random event that could happen to anyone, but it was way outside my reality at the time.

Afterwards, I knew girls weren’t the pony-loving, rainbow-riding, lavender-water-peeing angels I thought they were. They were human and capable of mistakes. Remember the same thing and you’ll do well.

5.             Because You’re #1!

To quote Henry Ford, “Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right.”

If you think you’re a great person who deserves the best from life, you’re right.

If you think you’re a horrible person who deserves nothing, you’re right.

If you put women on pedestals and think they’re better than you, you’re right.

Life will simply give you whatever you believe you deserve! So if you put women on pedestals, you’re giving away your own power. Why would you do that?

This is your life: it’s your movie and you’re the star. The only person you should be putting on a pedestal is yourself.

I love women; if you’re a straight man, it’s hard not to. But as beautiful and amazing as they are, they’re no better or worse than us. We need them; they need us; why place anyone on a pedestal when we can all have fun being equal?

In the first film of the Matrix trilogy, Neo has a choice to make. He can swallow the blue pill, continue living in a simulated reality and “believe whatever he wants to believe.” Or he can take the red pill – and wake up in the real world.

You make the same decision every single day.

A lot of what you know about the world is false. You were brought up to believe in a bunch of wacky, artificial rules that limit what you do every single day. It’s a comfortable existence, but not a very liberated one.

Here’s the harsh, empowering truth about who you can be and what you can do if you take the red pill and wake up to the real world.

Welcome To The Matrix

There’s a basic list of “life rules” we don’t question. Examples are:

• You need to do well at school and get into a good university.
• You need to get a good degree and get a good job.
• You need to work hard and get promoted at your job.
• You need nice things – cars, clothes, homes – to enjoy life more.
• You need to find a nice girl and commit to her.
• You need to get married and start a family.
• You need to own more nice things.
• You need to follow social norms (e.g. have manners) in order to be accepted by people.

You might be thinking: “I’m not like that! I know money can’t buy me happiness! I know monogamy isn’t the only lifestyle choice I can make!”

Well, you might know those things, but be real: you’d feel awkward if you had bummy clothes or an old phone. You probably want to get married eventually and think a college degree is great to have.

That’s because these life-rules are deeply embedded into us from decades of social conditioning: “the process of training individuals to respond in a manner generally approved by the society.” (Thanks, Wikipedia!)

Yep: you’re trained to act in certain ways by everyone around you your whole life. Why is everyone – from your parents to big corporations – interested in training you this way?  

Blue Pill: Living In The System

In The Matrix, the humans live in a simulated reality while the machines use their bodies for energy. Our world isn’t too different: when you buy into society’s rules (the matrix), society as a whole benefits – just like the machines in the movie.

• The company you work in benefits when you follow the rules because you become a good, productive employee.
• Governments benefit when you’re a responsible member of society and good taxpayer.
• Your parents pass their social conditioning onto you instinctively to ensure your survival.
• Businesses benefit when you have a good salary because you can give them more of your money.
• Women benefit from you having money and nice things because this makes you a good provider for prospective children.
• Society at large wants you to follow the rules because that’s what’s good for society.

Obey and you get to enjoy a stable existence within the system. Your employer will pay you; your parents will support you; you’ll find a wife and have kids. Your life might not be exciting our outstanding, but it will be pretty nice.

That’s the blue pill. Eat it every day, don’t question the rules and have a comfortable life.

Red Pill: Freedom

On a deeply subconscious level, people want others to do what they do and think how they think. In fact, people get very angry when you challenge their reality. (If you’ve seen people get protective of their religious beliefs, you know what I mean.)

This is what makes social conditioning so potent. Everyone is swallowing the blue pill every day – and they genuinely want you to do the same thing. They really want you to do what’s best for society.

If you refuse, you’ll be under a lot of pressure to change your mind. Some people will think you’re weird, crazy or an idiot. They’ll do everything they can to turn you into a “normal” person through social pressure.

But guess what?

Tonight, tens of thousands of people are making money by writing about their travels; playing online poker; winning video-game tournaments.

Tonight, a guy and a girl will walk out of a club and have some great sex.

Tonight, someone will climb a majestic mountain; surf a 15-foot wave; challenge what’s normal and realistic to everyone else.

All those people – and many others – exist outside what most people understand to be reality. They do the impossible and their lives kick ass. That’s what the red pill is all about.

The red pill isn’t a magic pill. The red pill is the simple understanding that you don’t have to live like everyone else; that you can do extraordinary things.  You don’t need to impose the same limitations that everyone else does on yourself.

And that’s what’s magic.

The geek in me came out for this article; hopefully, I’m not the only one who remembers the Matrix movies!

Really though, I think it’s a good comparison. In one scenario, people comfortably live in a simulated reality and the machines benefit. In the other scenario, people comfortably live in an artificially limited reality and society benefits. Sounds pretty similar to me!

If you commit to being a Red Pill kind of guy, you’re in for a rude awakening. People will hold you back and society will withdraw its support. Unless you’re committed to breaking the rules long-term, the pressure will crush you.

Freedom, I hear, isn’t free.