Back when our ancestors lived in primitive communities, caring what others thought of you was a necessity; ignoring someone’s opinion could result in catching a rock to the head or being hit with a club.

In a modern, less physically violent society, things are different. Paying too much attention to what others think messes with your self-esteem while offering no real advantages.

Imagine having a sense of worth that doesn’t rely on the opinions of others; being calm and self-assured no matter what anyone says or does. It’s a great trait to have, especially if you’re someone people look to as a leader.

Here’s how to stop caring what others think of you.

It’s Natural To Care What Others Think

As you go through life, you’ll hear all kinds of talk, get told that you’re a god or a total bastard. You will meet people who dislike what you stand for; want you to fail; lash out because of the pain they themselves feel. It’s part of the human experience.

Consciously, we know it doesn’t matter what others do or say. But subconsciously, we can’t help but listen and be affected. We are social beings; paying attention to the words of others is part of our natural programming.

So when someone says or does anything that attacks your sense of self-worth, it’s normal for your self-esteem to take a hit. When a girl rejects you, a friend betrays your trust or a co-worker insults you, the natural reaction is to feel bad about yourself.

You’ll never be able to stop other people from trying to hurt you – but you can make the choice to resist those attempts by remembering one important thing.

Your Opinion Is Always More Accurate Than Theirs

Let’s say you need fashion advice. Would you go to a friend who dresses well and spends a lot of time studying fashion, or a friend who has very little experience with clothes?

In the same vein, imagine you see two doctors about a nasty flu. One has just started working weeks ago while the other has been dealing with patients like you for years. Who do you listen to?

In both cases, you’d defer to the person who has more experience. It’s obvious, right? The more time you spend doing or studying something, the more qualified your opinion on the matter is.

This leads me to my next point…

Nobody has spent more time around you… Than you!

This means no other person is more qualified to form an accurate opinion about you. You are the world’s foremost, most experienced specialist on yourself. No other person’s opinion of you will ever be as accurate as your own.

You wouldn’t rely on an inexperienced doctor for medical advice; you wouldn’t come to a friend who can’t dress for fashion advice. So why let anyone affect your self-image – the way you view yourself – when you know better than them?

Exercise: How To Know Yourself

Since nobody knows you better than you, other people can only affect your self-esteem when you’re confused about who you are and look to them for answers. But when you have a strong opinion of yourself, you will never have a reason to care what others think of you.

To develop that kind of strong, solid self-image, do the following exercise (it only takes a few minutes).

1. On a piece of paper, draw a table with two columns. (Use paper and pen, no cheating!)
2. In the left-hand column, list all your good qualities, talents and advantages. They don’t have to be extraordinary; you can write “good swimmer” without being Michael Phelps so long as you’re pretty good at swimming.
3. In the right-hand column, list all the things you’d like to improve in yourself.
4. Keep the two lists somewhere accessible and read them once or twice a week. As you gain new qualities and reach your goals, cross out and add the items on the lists.

If someone tells you something that’s not on the list, your mind will discount it as false. If someone tells you something that’s on the list, it won’t matter because you already know it. As you do this exercise for weeks and months, your self-esteem will become invulnerable to any form of attack.

Does This Mean You Should Ignore Other People?

This post is not a call to ignore other people’s opinions. A doctor may be very well qualified, but he will still go to lectures; fly out to symposiums; consult with other professionals in difficult situations.

Similarly, you can make the choice to take other people’s thoughts and advice into account. But when you do, it will be a personal decision and not something you’re compelled to do. You will be in charge of your self-esteem; nobody else. This way, you can filter out toxic, harmful information coming from people who are trying to harm you (intentionally or non-intentionally).

At the end of the day, the only thing everyone likes is money. Unless you possess the unique ability to transform into a 100$ bill, people will dislike you. Since we no longer depend on paying attention to the opinions of those people for survival, being able to tune out what others think of you is a great skill to have.

Stay humble, do the exercise in this post to create a strong identity for yourself; you will stop caring what others think of you for good.

Most people don’t know what they want to do, where they want to eat or how they feel about things. Instead, they let mass media and the strong leaders in their lives decide for them.

As a man, you have the power and responsibility to be one of those leaders. Whether you want to help others or dominate them, this is an ability you naturally possess – and it’s easier to exercise than you think.

Let’s talk about why the people around you don’t know what they’re doing and what you should do about it.

Nobody Knows Anything

As a kid, I’d look at grown-ups and other children and think they have all the answers. This is natural – growing up, we learn “normal” behavior from peers and adults.

Unfortunately, we often get used to being led by others and keep looking for someone to follow when we grow up. This causes people to do crazy things – e.g. worship celebrities and letting mass media influence their values.

It finally hit me that nobody really knows anything a few years ago. By nature, I dislike leading and being lead – I believe in equal relationships. However, I noticed that many of my everyday conversations went like this:

Me: OK, so what do you guys wanna do?

Friend 1: I don’t know.. I could eat?

Friend 2: I don’t know about food, what else is there?

Me: Well, we could go watch a movie.

Friend 1: Alright, that sounds good. What movie should we see?

Friend 2: I don’t know…

Me: How about the new Aquaman movie?

Friend 1: OK, let’s go!

Friend 2: Yep, sounds good.

As much as I wanted to make decisions collectively, the people in my life rarely knew what they wanted. Unless I guided them towards a definite outcome, discussions would always drag on.

The same was true for debates. I realized that few had strong opinions or stuck to their guns in arguments. Even worse, they got their ideas from other people and mass media instead of forming them independently. In short, they weren’t sure of anything – ever.

Out of a desire to simplify my life, I decided to try something new – I became more assertive in my opinions and suggestions. That’s when interesting things started to happen. 

The Power Of Conviction

Think of a kid getting picked on in school. He gets called “fat” or “ugly” and really starts to feel this way, simply because a child with a strong opinion called him those things. Adults aren’t much different.

When I made the choice to ask less questions and make more assertive suggestions, people would agree and obey. In fact, they enjoyed being lead because it removed the strain and responsibility of decision-making.

This was shocking to me, but that’s how social dynamics work. Humans prefer to take the path of least resistance, and you can create that path by creating scenarios where someone else simply has to say “Yes.”

This is especially true with women. Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the past 20 years, you’ve heard that “girls like guys who can lead” millions of times. Well, the rabbit hole goes pretty deep on that one – the women in my life love letting me make the decisions in just about everything.

And no – there is nothing you have to change to “transform” into a leader. The people around you don’t know what the hell they’re doing; simply having a strong opinion will make them follow you.

Guiding People: The Blueprint

It sounds a bit creepy, but the vast majority of people prefer to be followers; not leaders. It is therefore your responsibility to guide them if you have the capacity and knowledge to do so.

To make people like you and convince them to take on your ideas, simply have strong opinions; suggest instead of asking; never flinch or waver. Don’t be a bully but don’t be shy about sharing your thoughts and desires.

To guide people towards specific actions or choices in conversation without being overbearing or rude, you can use these patterns:

• Why don’t we… [Go get a drink?]
• Are you cool to… [Have lunch at T.G.I. tomorrow?]
• Let’s … [go back to my place and cook something] … Alright?
• [Give me a backrub] … Please.

You’re not talking to household pets, so you shouldn’t give direct verbal orders. But suggesting an action that’s easy to say “Yes” to while being polite/leaving an exit strategy (Alright?, please, etc) will compel most people to do what you ask of them.

This is one of those things that doesn’t seem real until you experience it. That’s why it works – we all believe that other people know what they’re doing. This is why people will follow you if you act like an assertive leader.

Just remember that with great power comes great responsibility. When the people around you feel compelled to obey your suggestions, it’s tempting to take advantage of them.

But if you’re at the point in your life where you’ve decided to step up and apply the advice in this post, I’m sure you’re better than that. Now go out there and be an awesome leader to the people in your life.

The 2012 Olympics started this weekend, and many were surprised by Michael Phelps’ coming 4^th in the 400m relay. Equally shocking was Usain Bolt coming second to Yohan Blake at the Olympic Trials a month ago.

Both men are incredible athletes in their prime and world-record holders in their sports. But after watching their recent performances, many wonder (1, 2) if they’ve been partying too much and training too little lately.

That’s how life works. It doesn’t matter if you’re a regular guy or a one-in-a-billion talent; if you aren’t continuously driven to be successful at what you do, you lose. Motivation is everything.

But how do you the fire within? How do you find and maintain the motivation to kick ass at everything you do?

Since I’m a naturally lazy person, I love techniques that keep me enthusiastic and driven. Here are some of my favorites; 5 ways to make motivation a habit.

Eyes On The Prize

Here’s one of my favorite stories, told by Jim Carrey on the Oprah Winfrey show in 1997:

“I wrote myself a check for ten million dollars for acting services rendered and dated it Thanksgiving 1995… just before Thanksgiving 1995, I found out I was going to make ten million dollars for Dumb & Dumber. I put that check in the casket with my father because it was our dream together.”

We often become unmotivated because the intense desire for our final goal gets lost in the everyday struggle. That’s why keeping your eyes on the prize like Jim Carrey did is such a great way to stay enthusiastic.

Personally, I meditate on the things I want to achieve every morning. You can do that or keep a written reminder; it doesn’t matter. Just keep reminding yourself of what you want and you’ll feel compelled to work hard.

Reward Yourself

In The Outliers, Malcolm Gladwell states that mastery in any given field requires 10,000 hours of practice. You may not want to go that far, but the book’s message is true: long-term consistency is key to success.

But how do you find the strength to remain consistent week in, week out? What do you do when you really don’t feel motivated to do anything?

The answer is simple: reward yourself for taking action!

Here’s a personal example. I get fat fast, so I don’t eat junk food or sweets. But if I make it to the gym on a tough day, I reward myself by having whatever I want before or after the workout.

Apply the same concept to your life. Every time you do something hard (but necessary), reward yourself. Eventually, your brain will learn to link pleasure with consistency and motivation will become a habit.

Use Your Pain

When I was 16, I weighed 200 pounds (90 kg) and stood at 170 cm; in other words, I was obese. I hated sports, sweating and being outside; I preferred cake.

One day, I decided I’d had enough. I took up sports and changed my diet, losing over 45 pounds in a year. Guess what kept me going then and keeps me going now?

Knowing how much it sucks to be fat.

I know that no workout, no new sport will be as bad as feeling bloated and unhealthy. There is nothing you can do to keep me out of the gym because I’m genuinely terrified of being fat again!

Check out my article on harnessing your pain and use it to keep yourself motivated, especially when you reach your goals and become tempted to let up.

Keep A Diary Of Successes

The road to any worthwhile goal is long and hard. It’s tempting to despair and give up when you stumble. To stay positive and driven, keep a diary of all the successes and positive experiences you get on your journey.

You got to the gym although you only slept 2 hours last night? Write it down.

You talked to a girl even though you were scared to death? Write it down.

You went out alone and had fun talking to strangers? Write it down.

By focusing on the upsides of taking action, you’ll teach your brain to link action with pleasure – and boost your self-esteem as well. 

Enforce Discipline

Every time you force yourself to do something, you use your finite resources of willpower and motivation. No matter how excited you are about your goals, you‘ll eventually get tired of making hard decisions and taking right action.

A cool way to save your willpower for when it matters is discipline.

When I started working out, every visit to the gym was a challenge. But since I’ve been doing it for years, it’s something I now do automatically. I don’t need to be motivated before going to the gym; it’s just a habit, like brushing my teeth.

You might think that discipline makes life hard. Nothing could be more wrong. Discipline makes difficult things easy and is a great way to stay motivated without burning out.

Like I said earlier, I’m a very lazy person by nature. I’ve used these techniques to keep myself and my students motivated throughout the years; I hope you find them useful.

Leave a comment and share your own thoughts on motivation – or your results from using the exercises in this post.

We’ve all heard the phrase, “No pain – no gain.” Consciously, you might agree with the idea; it seems obvious that succeeding is often hard, unpleasant work.

Subconsciously, however, humans are terrified of all pain: physical; emotional; psychological. Tony Robbins said it best: most of what we do revolves around avoiding pain and seeking pleasure.

But what if you could use pain to your advantage? What if pain can help you achieve the impossible?

Read on to find out how.

Too Much Pleasure Is A Bad Thing

Let’s say everything we do can be broadly categorized as painful and pleasurable. Things like homework and doing the dishes go in the first category, vacations and sex – in the second.

Change happens when there’s more pain than pleasure in your life. This gives you a reason to take action and turn things around; otherwise, why would you bother? Happy people don’t want to change a single thing!

Imagine you dislike your job but can only get a better one in another country. If you own a nice flat, have a great girlfriend and love your current city, you will stay. But if there’s no pleasure to offset the pain of your crappy job, you’ll leave.

The problem is, pleasure is way too easy to come by these days. When we’re sad we can turn to junk food, video games, etc. All in all, things rarely get bad enough to motivate people to do something.

The only exception happens when the pain of inaction is so big that it forces change. When you can’t take your misery anymore, you’ll stop procrastinating; stop being lazy; stop making excuses. You’ll simply change your life.

In fact, deep, intense pain over your life situation is the purest form of motivation there is. The more it hurts, the more you’ll do to make it stop; that’s why embracing pain is the key to achieving the impossible.

Building On The Pain

Now, I’m not telling you to become a masochist or intentionally seek pain. We tend to create our own unhappiness anyway, and there’s never a reason to make more of it than you already have.

What I am telling you to do is face everything that’s wrong with your life. If you’re obese to the point where your health is at risk, don’t tell yourself it’s fine; it isn’t. Instead, use your negative emotions as motivation to make a change.

I don’t want you to think I’m encouraging feelings of shame or unworthiness. I’m not – you’re already good enough, you always have been… But that’s not an excuse to be complacent.

When something in your life sucks, face the pain head-on. If you’re lonely and socially awkward, don’t stay in; go find the nearest bar.

Sure, you might spend an hour sweating bullets and gritting your teeth. Sure, you might feel awkward and never talk to anyone that night. But by your fifth visit, your frustration will get to the point where you feel compelled to take action.

(Then again, you could always stay home and wallow in your loneliness. Eventually, you’ll get bored and go outside.)

Is there anything you feel you should be doing but aren’t? Maybe you’ve been missing too many workouts; failing to eat healthier; slacking at your job.

Let me ask you this: if someone put a gun to your head right now and told you to step it up or die, would you you do those things? Darn right; you’d do whatever it takes to stay alive.

Pain is a lot like that gun. When you fear action more than you enjoy the lightness of inaction, you will do whatever it takes, possible or impossible.

So if you want to make rapid and drastic changes to your life, face your pain; use it as a springboard for action. You won’t believe how much you accomplish.

A few weeks ago, a reader said he’d love to find out more about being the man in a relationship. I think this is a great topic, because too many guys take on the woman’s role when dating.

Instead of being the strong half of a couple, they let their girlfriends make every big decision; pace the relationship; dictate all the rules.

When this happens, a man can’t fulfill his natural role as a man. And what woman feels happy with a weak boyfriend who lets her call all the shots? Such relationships usually end in break-ups, unhappiness or cheating

To be the man in your relationships – for yourself and your girlfriend – follow the tips in this post.

Having The Right Attitude

Being a man in your relationship means being strong. It’s a lot like dancing: no matter how great a woman is, it won’t work unless the man can lead.

Unfortunately, mass media’s constantly showing us images of women running relationships. Switch on your T.V., listen to the radio: it’s always guys struggling to keep a special girl or moaning once they’ve lost her.

Starting now, I want you to forget all that crap. You can’t be a good boyfriend if you’re insecure about losing your chick or afraid to lead. Remember: your girl needs you just as much as you need her. Here are some things to consider:

• Men age slower than women, which means there’s less pressure on you to settle down fast.
• Men get sexier with age and stay desirable for longer. With every year, you’re becoming more and more of a catch!
• You can always walk outside and get to know scores of new women anytime. Girls have a lot less control over the men they meet.

If you ever feel that your girlfriend’s more important than you, this list should put things in perspective. Don’t underestimate your own value: you can’t be a man in your relationship unless you respect yourself as much as you respect her!

Be Kind But Firm

Most women are fine with dating older men but hesitant about seeing a younger guy; some outright prefer older, more experienced guys.

This is because girls desire men who can protect and guide them; something that usually comes with age. However, you don’t have to date a younger woman to be the man in your relationship. You must simply be two things: kind and firm.

Let’s start with the latter. You have to be kind to the girl you’re dating. If you can’t be, why are you seeing her? Express your love freely and give generously; it’s your prerogative as a man.

The problem is, most guys are kind all the time. Why do you think women say, “I left him because he was too nice”? Too much of a good thing quickly turns into a bad thing; a relationship must have balance.

Your role, as a man, is to lead. This means you to set boundaries, make decisions and enforce both in a relationship. Here are some healthy ways to be firm with your girlfriend:

• Call her out on bad behavior. This means regular lateness, lying, negative behavior (i.e. insults), extreme drama, etc.
• Get into the habit of suggesting instead of asking. Women like assertive men – and if she doesn’t like what you’re saying, she’ll let you know.
• In bed, don’t be that guy: stop asking her if “it’s good” or if “this is okay.” Again, take charge – she’ll let you know if you’re going too far.
• Don’t change your friends, clothes and habits for her sake. If she doesn’t like you the way you are, why is she dating you?
• Never let her talk down on your friends and family. If she doesn’t respect them, how can she respect you?
• Refuse to move into the “next step” of the relationship (exclusivity, marriage, etc) until you’re ready – don’t let her pressure you.
• No nagging and no drama. If your girlfriend is giving you too much of either, calmly explain that her behavior is unacceptable.
• Use your own judgment to decide if you agree with her or not. Never say “yes” just because you don’t want her to get upset!
• If you don’t like something she said – e.g. “you look silly in that hat” or “your friend sure is weird” – simply ignore it. Works like a charm.

This is a general list; in real life, each man has his own personal boundaries. If you have trouble finding yours, remember the 3 aspects of healthy relationships: honesty, trust and respect.

Balance In All Things

Sometimes, when guys realize that girls like firm men, they become too assertive. In the early stages of a relationship, this works – a guy who can lead is very attractive to women.

In the long run, though, you have to pick your battles. Having boundaries is a necessity, but life isn’t black and white! Sometimes, you’ll have to compromise.

This is where you can really shine as a man. Being strong means letting your girlfriend act silly and unreasonable once in a while. Don’t react to every little thing she does wrong – just the really important stuff.

For everything else, simply don’t react. Women tend to feel what the man next to them feels; if you’re calm, she’ll quickly cool down too.

Being the man in a relationship comes down to being kind and firm. Being kind refers to generosity; strength; staying calm, even when she’s not. At the same time, you must be firm and put your foot down when necessary

If you liked this post, you can check out “Handling Relationships Like A Man: A Crash Course” which deals with the fundamentals of being a good boyfriend.

Is there anything else you think a man should or shouldn’t do in a relationship? Post in the comment section and let me know!

Hard to get, easy to lose and impossible to recover: respect is one of the most important things in a man’s life.

When you have it, girls compete for the right to spend time with you – on your terms. There’s never any nagging, lying or mind-games because women treat the few men worthy of respect like kings.

Respect is also a form of social currency. Have it, and people will help you get what you want out of life; everyone will treat you well. Don’t have it and people will take every opportunity to make your life more difficult.

So let’s go: here are 6 ways to get respect as a man!

1.             Keep Your Word

“All I have in this world is my balls and my word” – Tony Montana (Scarface)

There is something incredibly repulsive about a man who breaks promises and fails commitments. It’s cowardly; it’s weak; it’s just unmanly.

If you want to be respected – especially by other guys – be a man of your word. Following through on your promises, no matter how hard that can be, is the foundation of being respected as a man.

2.             Be Yourself

“When you are content to be simply yourself and don’t compare or compete, everybody will respect you.” -Lao Tzu

Some men think they need to hide their real thoughts to be pleasant. They agree with whatever’s being said and say what other people want to hear. Nice and polite, right?

Wrong.

People-pleasers may as well come out and say: “Your approval is more important than my opinion. I have no respect for myself, and neither should you.” They may be pleasant - like lukewarm water – but they are neither liked nor respected.

A real man is strong and self-sufficient; he doesn’t care what others think. He likes himself for who he is – and why wouldn’t he? Be yourself: most people will love you, a few will hate you, but everyone will respect you.

3.             Stop Caring

“Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren’t.” – Margaret Thatcher

Think of a man who’s well-respected by everyone. How do you think he spends his days? Thinking about respect, demanding it from others, bragging about it – or living his life?

You don’t get respect by seeking or claiming it. You earn it by being a real man; the kind of man who doesn’t care about what anyone thinks.

4.             Respect Yourself

“Only by self-respect will you compel others to respect you” – Fyodor Dostoevsky

In point 3, I wrote you shouldn’t care about being respected by others. You should, however, care about respecting yourself.

Self-respect doesn’t mean placing yourself above others. It simply means having rules for what you will and will not accept in life – and enforcing them. As a man, you should always be doing this.

When people overstep your boundaries, there’s no need to get upset or violently confront them. Just respect yourself enough to address things you don’t like – or walk away from negative people and situations.

5.             Be Successful

“People respect success. They respect big. They don’t even have to like [what you do]… If you’re big enough, people are drawn to you.” – Shawn “Jay-Z” Carter

On a basic level, we respect successful people – and this is especially true for guys. A man with no direction in life will only win contempt from those around him.

You don’t need to be a millionaire or rockstar, but you must do something worthwhile with your life. Be great at your hobby; live passionately; find a purpose for yourself. No matter what it is, find a way to be successful at something.

6.             Have Respect For Everyone

“I speak to everyone in the same way, whether he is a garbage man or the president of a university.” – Albert Einstein

How do most people act? They treat those above them on the social ladder well and those “below” them like shit. This is because they’re looking to take value and only appreciate those who can give it.

A real man, however, doesn’t seek value from others. He doesn’t treat people well because he wants something from them – he does it because he’s a good person.

Treat everyone as a fellow human being, not someone you can later use to your benefit. Judge people for who they are – not what they can do for you. Respect is won by being fair, not kissing ass.

Ultimately, getting respect comes from having it for yourself and other people. Treat others well; judge people for their achievements (and not what they can give you); never hesitate to defend your interests. Respect will become a natural side-effect of your lifestyle.

From star athletes like Jeremy Lin to dot-com millionaires like Mark Zuckerberg, we love seeing people become rich and famous in the blink of an eye.

The idea that someone like you – someone regular – can succeed overnight gives hope, inspiration and comfort. We watch these guys (or gals) and think: “If they can do it, I just might have a shot too.”

Well, I’ve studied overnight success from multiple angles. After many years of analysis, I’ve figured out the #1 secret to overnight success – and you can start applying it to your life right now.

Why We Love Overnight Success Stories

I haven’t mentioned this on my blog before, but I graduated from a top business school. As a marketing specialist, I know that businesses use the allure of instant gains to sell products all the time.

The fact is, this generation hates making an effort. Instant gratification is everywhere; the idea that we need to work hard to get anything is terrifying. Companies take advantage of our laziness by promising an easy way out (in return for your cash).

Think about it: our #1 financial self-help book is “The 4 hour workweek,” not “Make lots of money by working hard.” It’s always “get rock-hard abs in 6 weeks,” not “get a great body by working out and eating right for years.”

This is why we love overnight success stories so much. They “prove” that we, too, can go from zero to hero in a short period of time.

But the real secret to overnight success – the one thing nobody wants you to know – is simple: OVERNIGHT SUCCESS DOESN’T EXIST

There’s Nothing “Overnight” About Success

I’m going to talk about Jeremy Lin again. To me, the guy is a textbook example of an “overnight success”.
(For those who don’t know, he went from being unknown to leading the New York Knicks in a huge, unexpected winning streak)

Here are a few facts about him:

• Upon becoming eligible for the NBA in 2010, he didn’t get drafted.
• He got dropped by his first team (The Golden State Warriors) after playing with them for 1 year.
• He got moved to the NBA D-league 3 times.
• Was so frustrated by his inability to succeed that he considered leaving the NBA and playing for an Italian club in 2011.

But something I read in one of the articles about him stands out the most:

He was the first to arrive every day, and the last to leave. He sought and devoured game tapes. When he requested his own clips, Lin asked to see his turnovers and missed jumpers, not his assists.

That’s right. This guy didn’t get lucky; he didn’t just wake up to greatness one morning. He put in work – again and again and again – and finally got a chance to shine.

Most successful people are like him. The “overnight” part of success is just the tip of the iceberg. People don’t beat the odds by being lucky; they do it by working their asses off.

It’s tempting to think that you can skip the struggle that being amazing at anything requires, but life just doesn’t work that way. It happens, but the odds are low – you may as well buy a lottery ticket and hope for the best.

If you want to be great at anything, forget succeeding overnight – succeeding no matter what it takes is what it’s all about.

For the record, I hate working. I’m a strong believer in shortcuts and I refuse to make an effort just for the sake of making an effort.

But shortcut or no shortcut, success always means working hard. Think smart, bust your ass and nobody will be able to stand in your way.

Hope is the belief that something you want can and will happen.

Hope gives you the confidence to keep going when nobody believes in you. It gives you the strength to carry on when you’re about to give up. When shit really hits the fan, it’s the only thing that holds you together. Without it, life would be meaningless.

After all, believing in a better – or at least bearable – tomorrow is the only reason to keep living. Without hope, there can be no drive; no motivation.

Need a light to guide you through the darkness of tough times? Want an intense jolt of motivation to drive you towards success? Then you’re looking for hope.

A Hopeless Generation

“No matter what sort of difficulties, how painful experience is, if we lose our hope, that’s our real disaster.” – Dalai Lama XIV

The average American watches 4+ hours of T.V. a day. Instead of doing something amazing with his life, he wastes away on his couch. Can there be better proof of our generation’s hopelessness?

We’ve been raised on instant gratification; if something requires effort, we don’t want it. When shit gets real, do we handle it? No. We eat chocolate, have more drinks, buy compulsively, etc.

We have no faith in ourselves; no hope for something better. We enjoy watching other people succeed but we don’t believe we can do the same ourselves. And personally, I think that’s bullshit.

Why?

Sean Stephenson and his fiancé

Let’s be real for a second. You can do just about anything. People with fewer opportunities and less natural ability than you have succeeded countless times:

• Sean Stephenson is 3 feet tall, can’t walk and is “so brittle that coughing could fracture a rib.” He’s a successful motivational speaker/writer – and engaged to a gorgeous girl.
• Dennis Rodman was a mediocre athlete in high school and then a janitor. He only made himself eligible for the NBA draft  at the age of 25. Shockingly, he proceeded to kick all kinds of ass for 12 years and is an NBA legend.
• Albert Einstein couldn’t talk properly or read until he was 6-7. Later, he had to retake his university entrance exam; later, his doctoral dissertation was rejected.
• 7 years after graduation, J.K. Rowling was a single, unemployed divorcee with a kid. She was depressed and considered suicide. When she wrote the first Harry Potter book, TWELVE publishers refused it.

All these people – and countless others – refused to give up. They managed to hope in the face of adversity, so why shouldn’t you?

We all have dreams. Sometimes, life and other people pressure us into giving them up. You probably have things you put aside as you grew up; things you want but can’t imagine yourself doing or having.

But no matter what it is you’re going through – intense heartbreak, mourning, depression – you can succeed. And the first step to doing that is – you guessed it – learning to hope.

Learning To Hope: The Exercises

“Cherish your visions and you dreams, as they are the children of your soul; the blueprints of your ultimate achievements” - Napoleon Hill

If you’re not used to living with hope, you might need a little help getting started. Here are a few great exercises.

1. Write down the things you want and read them once a day. Keep them specific, positive and write as if you already have them. The more effort and detail you put into your list, the better. Good examples:

• I go out alone at least three times a week and meet new people all the time.
• I work hard and make 5,000$ a month.
• I work out 3 times a week and girls love my body.
• I fell in love with someone who loves me back. It’s a great feeling and I couldn’t be happier.

2. Set aside 10-15 minutes for daydreaming every day. Visualize yourself having the things you want as vividly as possible; imagine how you’d act, feel and think.

3. Pay attention to the times you think something’s impossible, too hard or unrealistic. Write down the negative thoughts, cross them out and replace them with positive ones. E.g.

I’ll never be able to stay on my diet for 6 weeks

=>

I can easily stay on my diet for 6 weeks, 8 weeks, 12 weeks. I’m going to kick ass at the gym and amaze everyone with my body this summer.

4. When you do something that contributes to your dreams, reinforce your behavior by writing down how good it felt.

e.g. If you’re overcoming shyness and talked to a stranger, write: It was scary at first, but it felt amazing once we started talking!

Like most things in life, learning to hope isn’t a sprint; it’s a marathon. The reason I give you these 4 exercises is how simple they are: doing all of them takes 20 minutes a day.

But in all likelihood, you’ll only need 2/3 of 4 exercises to get started. There’s nothing fancy about learning to hope: patience and repetition are what truly matters.

Moving Mountains With Hope

It always seems impossible until it’s done. –Nelson Mandela

You know why hope is so good? Because, hate it or love it, you’re limitless. There are few things you – yes, you – can’t do if you put your mind to them. So long as you dream and make an effort, only the laws of time and space can stop you.

So read inspirational stories; daydream; think of how much you can achieve if you use the power of hope to keep you going. Use the exercises in this post and do everything you can to live a life full of hope.

Over a few decades, men have become increasingly feminized. Things like waxed chests and metrosexuality are now part of the male identity.

But ask most guys who they admire and you’ll realize we respect masculinity very much. In fact, most male icons – from Bruce Lee to James Bond – are so manly they represent what I call The Invulnerable Man.

The Invulnerable Man is cool, successful and confident. He can tie a tie, shoot a gun and hold his own in a fight. He never feels fear or accepts defeat. A natural leader, he always gets the girl and never gets his heart broken.

He’s everything you want to be. And he’s making you feel like shit.

You see, The Invulnerable Man is like the size zero model regular girls lose sleep over. You want to be like him, but being that guy is neither realistic nor much fun.

Let’s talk about the Myth of The Invulnerable Man – and why it has to go.

Why Do Men Want To Be Invulnerable?

Most of my clients come to me because they’re tired of feeling bad. They’ve had too many humiliating rejections; been shoved around too many times; been heartbroken for too long. The 2 elements that always feature in their goals are:

1. Less hurt, fear and disappointment (negative emotions).

2. More positive emotions.

Now let’s look at the experiences most guys go through in their lives:

• Parents telling their sons to be tough.
• Guys ripping on each other all the time (unlike women who support each other).
• Girls going for confident, bold men and rejecting pushovers.
• Men expected to be “breadwinners” in most parts of the world.
• Strangers being nicer to women than they are to men.
• Men always challenge other men – socially, physically, professionally.
• Showing weakness or sadness is humiliating and looked down upon.
• Even Pick-Up Artists – the guys who’re supposed to understand people best – often promote being a social Alpha Male.

When you’re a man, you get rewarded for strength and punished for weakness. That’s why a dissatisfied guy sees “invulnerability” as an obvious choice. He tries to protect himself – sometimes with money, power and social skills. He thinks that insulating himself from negative emotions is the key to happiness.

He’s wrong.

The Invulnerable Man is strong enough to get what he wants and shrug off everything else. That’s why we idolize him. But in real life, negative emotions aren’t just natural: they’re crucial to becoming confident and successful.

Men and The Paradox of Comfort vs Success

Humans are naturally lazy. The dream is to get everything you want – emotions, money, sex – with minimal effort. The Invulnerable Man is a representation of that dream: all the good stuff, no negative emotions.

But in real life, success requires hard work and perseverance. The road to success is paved with failure; getting to the good stuff means going through a lot of bad stuff. Negative experiences are a necessary part of learning and succeeding.

So if you want to get good with girls, get rejected a lot. If you want to become confident, do things that scare you every day. If you want to get strong, lift weights that make you struggle as often as possible.

The men who truly succeed aren’t invulnerable. In fact, they’re especially vulnerable because they challenge themselves constantly. They know the truth: that being uncomfortable and taking risks is the fastest way to advance.

Comfort and success are 2 things we all want. The Invulnerable Man has them both, but few real people ever will. Understanding that you have to choose one or the other is very important.

Why The Real, Vulnerable You Is Attractive

Many guys try to be attractive by projecting power. They brag; they’re forceful in social situations; they talk down to people. They want to project invulnerability because that’s what works for the guys on T.V.

But in the words of M. Thatcher, “Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren’t.” The more you try to display power, the less well you do.

If you truly want to be attractive, be vulnerable. There is nothing more confident than sharing the real you – good and bad – with other people. Women in particular appreciate and enjoy honesty.

The next time you’re talking to someone, don’t hide the real you. Don’t try to pose or be tough. Instead, talk about the time your neighbor saw you naked and you felt really embarrassed. Let the real you shine through; that’s what real confidence is about.

Final Words – And My Own Story

We love The Invulnerable Man because he has it all: the comfort and the success. As a personal development coach, I wish I could be more James Bond-esque myself. I make money by helping people; saying I’m perfect would be good for business.

However, the truth is that I feel uncomfortable a lot. I push myself to do new things constantly and that’s often scary. I have bad days; I feel sad sometimes; like any human being, I make mistakes.

And I wouldn’t have it any other way because all the truly successful, attractive guys I know are confident enough to show weakness. Being a real man isn’t about being invulnerable: it’s about having the guts to be yourself.

How about you: would you rather have comfort or growth? Do you still want what The Invulnerable Man has if getting it means taking risks and getting hurt? Write a comment and let me know!

The day my ex and I broke up, I didn’t feel much.

A month later, I was doing my morning stretches. Suddenly, my body went limp and I felt something warm and wet rolling down my face: tears. For the next 30 minutes I lay motionless, crying silently.

It wasn’t the manliest moment of my life, but it made me remember an important fact:

Breaking up hurts and there’s nothing you can do about it.

If you’ve ever split up with someone important, you understand. Wondering if you’ll love again; missing the magic times you had together; feeling alone and lost – we’ve all been there. To deny that would be silly.

But as I worked through my first real break-up, I realized something important. Feeling sad when you lose someone is a part of life. Heartbreak – that intense, burning, painful feeling – is a choice, especially when it lingers.

Here’s how not to make that choice.

When Love Is A Drug

Loving and being loved back means many wonderful things.

Someone’s always there to listen to you; regular sex that gets hotter as you get to know your partner; unconditional support, trust and understanding. Even cleaning your place becomes fun when you’re doing it together.

That’s why it’s easy to get hooked.

Women stay with husbands who beat them for decades. Guys spend all their time with girlfriends neglecting other areas of life. I saw a guy drive across half of England to try and win his cheating girlfriend back.

That’s what happens when you get addicted to the advantages – real or imaginary – of being with someone. Relationships stop being about enjoyment and start being about needing another person.

The first step to overcoming heartbreak is differentiating genuine sadness and addiction (or a need).

What You’re Really Missing When You’re Heartbroken

Lama Yeshe has a great metaphor that I’ll use to explain the difference between heartbreak and the natural pain of losing someone.

Let’s say you love chocolate. It makes you feel happy and so you start eating it every day. One day, you run out – or maybe you decide to give it up because you’re becoming overweight.

Suddenly you’re miserable. Your source of happiness is gone. How can you live without chocolate – the only thing that made you feel good?!

In reality, you’re not miserable because there’s no chocolate. You’re miserable because you convinced yourself you need chocolate.

Heartbreak isn’t too different. It’s not just the hurt of loving and losing someone. It’s a painful and irrational cycle of regret, longing, and doubt.

Instead of remembering the great times you had and accepting your new situation, you cling to old times; convenient habits; hopes and dreams you made with your ex.

It’s not pain that creates heartbreak; it’s the inability to accept life without the person you once had.

But relying on someone else for happiness is just as absurd as relying on chocolate. Your fate is in your hands: you don’t need anything, or anyone, to make you feel good.

That’s the key to understanding and overcoming heartbreak.

Getting Better After Heartbreak

The more you focus on everything you’re missing, the worse your pain becomes. Breaking up can feel like losing a big part of yourself, but thinking about “the good old days” only makes things worse.

Two old sayings offer sage advice when it comes to getting over someone you lost:

1. Time heals all wounds.
2. One day at a time.

You might feel like smacking me with a fish for not giving you more complicated instructions, but that’s pretty much it.

Don’t obsess over the past. Don’t worry about everything that could have been or might be in the future. Most break-ups happen for a good reason – and if you’re meant to get back together, you will.

When you lose someone, focus on getting through life one day at a time. Fill your life with new activities – read a book, watch a movie, meet new people.

Most importantly, be gentle with yourself. Don’t expect yourself to feel fantastic immediately. Losing someone you loved always hurts; give yourself time to grieve without getting stuck in negative patterns.

Heartbreak is a choice you make by resisting reality and letting your attachments get the better of you.

I say – refuse to live in the past. Refuse to let yourself think you can’t be happy without another person. Refuse to worry over every little thing you might’ve done differently.

The pain of losing someone is something we all experience sooner or later. Heartbreak is a choice that I hope you won’t make after reading this post.