“Ego” is a buzzword we hear all the time, especially when talking about men. Still, few people understand what the term means and how it affects their lives.

Believe it or not, most of your negative emotions – fear, loneliness, anger, etc – come from the ego. It’s the source of all mental resistance and pain.

But much like the boogeyman in a child’s closet, the ego disappears when you turn on the lights and take a closer look at it. Let’s begin by doing just that.

What Is The Ego?

In a broad sense, the ego is your self-image; who you view yourself as. It is the voice inside saying “I am this way” and judging, comparing and analyzing everything and everyone in your life.

It is easier to feel the ego than it is to understand it logically. Definitions of the term are deliberately vague in all traditions – Buddhism, Hinduism, modern spirituality – for this reason. The best way to “get it” is through examples and self-observation.

Let’s say a man walks up to you, says you’re a jackass and walks away. You haven’t been physically hurt and your life hasn’t changed. And yet you might feel angry or upset because your self-image – your ego – has been challenged. “How dare he say that to me? I’m not a jackass!” is what you might think inside.

The ego also tells you what “should be” based on who you think you are. Imagine a girl you were planning to bring home suddenly says she’d rather eat dry paint than touch you. You might get upset, even though the only thing being attacked is your expectation of what “should have been” and the image of yourself as a guy who can get this girl.

In both scenarios, nothing really happens – and yet most people would experience great emotional pain. This is because they are deeply invested into their self-image and the expectations that come with it. When reality interferes, resistance – the source of all mental pain – enters their lives.

Ego, Resistance and Pain

Your hopes, expectations and predictions (based on past experiences) are all extensions of your self-image; who you view yourself as.

Of course, what we want and expect and what happens in reality are often two very different things. The resulting gap creates resistance.

Resistance is refusing to accept what is; struggling against it. It’s the feeling of unhappiness and discontent associated with an unsatisfactory past. It’s the anticipation of a worse – or better – future.

Here’s how resistance creates negative emotions:

• Anxiety happens when we expect a future that we don’t want.
• Anger happens when our self-image is aggressively challenged.
• Jealousy happens when another person has something we feel we should have.
• Sadness happens when we yearn for something we can’t have.
• Heartbreak happens when we refuse to accept life without someone.

Do you see where this is going? Fundamentally, all pain comes from the resistance created by a gap between the ego’s wants and reality. If you were to accept everything that happens to you, you would only experience physical pain – e.g. from physical injury, hunger.

You Are Not Your Ego

Here’s what you must understand about your ego. It’s not you– but it wants you to think it’s you. The ego fears annihilation, and if you associate yourself with it strongly enough, you will begin to share that fear.

Imagine you approach a beautiful girl you’ve never seen before; she literally tells you to fuck off. Have you lost anything? Has the world changed in any real way? No, it hasn’t.

The only thing that got damaged is your ego with its expectations. Nothing happened to you, but your self-image is now one step closer to being destroyed.

To avoid such injuries and eventual “death,” your ego will do everything in its power to survive. It will direct you away from situations that threaten it, pull you into meaningless arguments to defend it and take over your life however it can. This is how irrational fears like “approach anxiety” and “stage fright” are born.

The ego will also try to strengthen itself as often as possible. Whenever you compare, judge and resist – whether a person, a situation or yourself – it is strengthened. You, on the other hand, are weakened and eventually must pay the price in pain.

You might think that the ego is necessary for your survival. If you don’t have a self-image, how can you have a sense of identity? If you don’t have hopes and expectations, what could possibly motivate you to do anything in life?

This couldn’t be more false. The ego is only good for creating pain. You are never more free to take action or be yourself than when you let go of your self-image and live without resistance.

Of course, it’s not enough to explain what ego is and say “it’s bad” – there’s a lot more to it. In future articles, I will share more information, strategies and tools for understanding and reversing the ego.

In the meanwhile, you can always find out more about living without pain in Eckhart Tolle’s Power Of Now or Sakyong Mipham’s Ruling Your World – two great books on the topic.

Imagine your girlfriend (or wife) treated her ex better than she treats you. She did kinkier stuff in bed; was fully devoted to pleasing him; had more respect for him as a man.

If you’re like most of us, the thought is horrifying. You want to be #1 to your woman – not “the guy she settled for.”

Unfortunately, women end up with guys they have no passion for all the time – and these guys have no idea. I think that’s unfair, so I’m here to help.

If you want to understand why she treated her ex better than she treats you, whether she’s passionate about you and how to handle it all, read on.

Explaining Lovers and Providers

In old-school seduction theory, there are 2 types of men. The unpredictable Lovers make women feel submissive and sexual. The stable Providers bring out a woman’s nurturing side and are good for long-term relationships.

Agree or disagree, there is some truth to this theory. Exciting, unpredictable men (lovers) are desirable but hard to control and unwilling to commit. A girl might see one for a while – but once she’s had her fun, she’ll look for someone stable.

This is where the typical provider comes in. He’s caring, reliable and long-term oriented: a great boyfriend or husband.

Girls often work hard to keep a bad boy around because they fear losing him. With nice guys, however, there’s less incentive to make an effort. Once a woman finds a provider-type boyfriend, she knows he’s not going anywhere!

So if your girl treated her ex better than she treats you, she probably views you as a provider. He may have turned her on, but she wants you to be a part of her “happily ever after.”

The real question is, would you be happy with that?

Are You Happy To Be A Provider?

In every sexual relationship, a man is part-lover (desirable, sexual) and part-provider (platonic, caretaking). This is normal and healthy; most people want a great platonic aspect in their long-term relationships.

But that’s not what this article is about. This article is about not being the guy she settled for; it’s about never doubting that you’re the best man for your girl.

Here’s something a girl told me about her fiancé the other day:

“My previous relationships were too emotional. I don’t like [my new boyfriend] as a man; I don’t want to touch him. But he makes me feel so secure and comfortable that I’m finally happy!”

Imagine a girl saying those things about you. Straight-up ego crushing, right?  It’d kill me to know the woman I love doesn’t want or respect me as a man! Even worse, I’d feel used – and so would most men.

The trick is, the male-female dynamic is set early on in a relationship. The longer you’ve been dating a girl, the harder it is to generate respect, desire and a willingness to please.

So if you’re firmly stuck in the provider role – with not even a hint of lover in how your girl sees you – that’s unlikely to change.

The smart thing to do is draw the line as early as possible. Decide how desirable you want to be to your woman, as a man and a long-term platonic partner. Then stick to your guns and don’t settle for less.

That way, you’ll never have to worry about anyone from the past, present or future being more desirable to your chick than you are.

The Warning Signals

I’ve explained why women treat some guys differently from others and why that can be a problem. Now let’s go over the signs that a woman’s feelings for you are weak:

• She’s cold, selfish and/or unwilling to experiment in bed.
• She never offers to pay for herself.
• She lets you do all the spending and rarely buys you gifts.
• You have to make a lot of effort to get a reaction out of her.
• She rarely calls or texts first.
• She doesn’t react when you don’t speak/meet for longer than usual.
• She doesn’t check what you want before making plans.
• You do most of the work in the relationship; she takes you for granted.

You can also look at her relationship(s) with her ex(es) to look for warning signs:

• She was more sexually open and giving with her ex.
• She pursued her ex actively but doesn’t care when you go missing.
• She still talks about her ex – in an abundantly positive light.
• She’s dishonest/murky about certain events from her past relationships.
• She’s still in touch with her ex… And hides it from you.

This list might seem obvious – and it is. The problem is, most guys are delusional when they fall in love.

Instead of thinking:

 “She never offers to pay for herself. That’s weird,”

They think:

”She never offers to pay for herself. Guess that’s how she was raised.”

Instead of thinking:

“She cried for 6 months when her ex left but never calls me back. Guess she’s not that into me,”

They think:

“She cried for 6 months when her ex left but never calls me back. Guess I need to work harder to earn her.”

Don’t be a sucker and don’t put women on a pedestal. If you don’t require the intense emotions a lover gets, that’s fine – but be realistic. Decide what you expect as early as possible and stick to your guns no matter what.

The Importance of Exes and The Past

The truth is, the past doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter how a woman treated her ex or what she went through.

What does is being loved – as a lover and provider. If a woman isn’t into you with all the passion she can muster, why waste her (and your own) time?

There are plenty of fish in the sea; look for the ones who’ll love you for you.

A few years ago, I was lonely and decided to get good with women. I started talking to them on sidewalks and in malls, practiced hard and eventually became a dating coach. Today, the quest to understand girls is still a big part of my life.

Some people ask me why don’t I just write about meeting and dating the opposite sex. The answer is simple: “There’s a lot more to life than that.”

In fact, there are 4 things that count in a man’s life – and 3 of them have nothing to do with women.

To understand what drives guys, why self-improvement for men is different from general self-help and why my blog will never be about “just dating,” read on.

1. The Opposite Sex

Porn (watched mostly by men) was the #1 online activity until 2010. We’ve also got strip-clubs, thousands of profitable companies that teach guys seduction and a 100$-billion worldwide prostitution industry.

See where I’m going with this?

Men spend lots of money and energy on sex. We also enjoy female company; seek approval from girls; look for a special lady to settle down with.

In short, women are integral to our lives. The need for feminine affection – physical and otherwise – drives us on a very deep level. This is why the inability to get a girlfriend is so frustrating for men – it means a basic desire is not fulfilled.

Just remember that while women are important, they can not make you happy in and of themselves. How do you think some guys end up as dating gurus? They get good with girls, realize there’s more to life and move on to other things – like getting paid!

2. Money

Some men want money for money’s sake; others enjoy the power and possessions cash can buy; the third category simply wants the freedom that financial independence offers. Whatever the case, men like money.

Not only is it a way to buy food, clothes, houses, cars and freedom from working a 9-6 job… It’s the source of a man’s social value.

Remember how I wrote that society judges women for their looks? Well, it does the same for men and money.

If you’re well-off, you’re meeting society’s criteria for what a good, high-value man is. Financially successful guys are desirable to everyone, a lot like hot girls. Money might not buy you love but it will make you well-liked by people.

Ultimately, cold hard cash always matters, no matter how much of it you need or want.

3. Self-Actualization

Self-actualization is living up to your potential; having a kick-ass life full of meaning; doing what makes you happy.

If you’re doing crap you hate and achieving nothing, your life sucks. That’s why you can have sex and money and still be miserable if you’re not self-actualizing.

There’s just something about the triumph of high accomplishment that makes a man’s blood roar in his veins, I guess. Without it, life is just incomplete.

To me, “living up to my potential” is about sports, social psychology and writing. So long as I’m breaking personal records, getting better at meeting people and doing this blog, I love life.

You will find that understanding and fulfilling your potential will make your life awesome, too.

Always look for opportunities to be the best man you can be. Nothing will make you happier.

4. Mental & Physical Health

Being healthy might not make you happy in and of itself, but being unhealthy can ruin your life quickly.

Let’s say you had billions of dollars, a harem of women and a business you love running… But were terminally ill or stressed to the point of complete exhaustion. Would any of those possessions matter? No; of course not.

You should always strive for physical and mental health. They create the platform that allows you to live life fully. Besides, don’t you want to look and feel great as you get older?

Staying healthy isn’t that hard. Just stay active, meditate and avoid overindulging in drugs (this includes caffeine, tobacco and alcohol). No excuses!

About Balance & Self-Improvement For Men

There you have it: the 4 things that count in a man’s life; the things I strive to write about in this blog.

We want sex, female affection and all the stuff money can buy on a primal level. Those are the basic needs and wants.

Self-actualization is a more evolved desire. You might prefer laying on the couch to going for a jog, but doing the hard but necessary things will make you happier in the long run.

Health is the platform that supports everything else.

These gender-specific needs and wants are why you should balance general self-improvement with manly living.

But most importantly, never forget about balance. Don’t fixate on 1 aspect of life at the cost of everything else. You don’t want to be the bald, fat, lonely investment banker who wakes up on his 35^th birthday to realize that life has passed him by.

Other people start influencing us as soon as we’re born. Parents tell us what’s good and bad; friends become reference points that guide us; teachers pass ideas onto us.

Many of the things we learn are useful, e.g. “running with scissors is bad”. Other lessons are harmful. Being called ugly or dumb in high school can “teach” shyness, fear or passivity for life.

Even as adults, we let others affect our self-esteem; what we can or can’t do; what we believe in. But what if you really didn’t care about what others think?

You could talk to strangers without embarrassment; go out alone and not feel awkward; do the things that were reserved for better, cooler people in the past. When external approval becomes unnecessary, magic starts to happen.

It’s time to ask yourself if you’re letting other people shape your destiny and find true freedom.

How Other People Shape Your Identity

When I was 11, I fought a boy who was older and bigger than me. I lost. After that, I avoided physical confrontation for years; I didn’t want to get hurt again. Getting beat up taught me to fear conflict.

You’ve probably had similar (not necessarily negative) experiences.

Let’s say you tried playing guitar, everyone loved it and you realized music was your thing. Or maybe you tried to fit in at school, got bullied and felt that you were meant to be a loser, inferior to other people.

The point is, other people’s actions have shaped you in the past. Being punished or rewarded made you do more of certain things and less of others. And the fear of – or desire for – more reward/punishment is still affecting you today.

How Your Identity Shapes Your Reality

When you go out somewhere fancy, do you ever worry the venue might be too cool for you? Do you feel scared to ask girls out because they’re too hot for you?

Those feelings arise when you want to do something that doesn’t align with who you’re supposed to be. You want to get your nipple pierced – but you’re afraid of what your mom might think.

Here’s another personal example that illustrates what I mean.

When I was small, my classmates called me names. Eventually, I got used to seeing myself as the loser they said I was. In my mind I was an unattractive, unpopular kid.

As I got older, my classmates changed and the other kids actually treated me well. How I saw myself, however, didn’t change. In my mind, I was still a loser.

When someone was nice to me, I chalked it off to luck or coincidence. When someone was mean to me, I felt I deserved it. Subconsciously, I was afraid to overstep my “boundaries” and step into the unknown.

That’s how the human mind works. It encourages you to focus on things that fit with your identity and ignore everything else. And if your identity isn’t aligned with what you want in life – or your true self – everything sucks.

Have you ever been too afraid to try new things, make a life change, do something bold and crazy? Stuck in patterns of low self-esteem no matter what you achieve in life? Unable to believe that you deserve better things and people?

If anything on that list ever happened to you, your real self is misaligned with the identity other people created for you.

The Truth About Who You Can Be

I’m just not that kind of person. I could never do that. It’s too late for me to try this.

If you’ve ever thought any of those things – if you’re thinking them now – STOP. You are not what other people expect you to be. You can be anyone; do anything.

Here’s a short list of people who succeeded despite going against common sense and what everyone thought was possible.

• Haruki Murakami was 29 when he started writing; he had a degree in drama and owned a jazz bar. Too old for a career change and unqualified, he became one of the world’s greatest writers.
• 41-year old swimmer Dara Torres competed in the 2008 olympics. Despite being past her prime and 15-20 years older than her competition, she won 3 (!) medals.
• A 10-year old boy sang in a local fair show and placed fifth. He suffered from stage fright; his classmates called him “trashy.” His name was Elvis Aaron Presley and he would go on to become the king of rock.
• Once upon a time, Harrison Ford supported himself and his family by becoming a self-taught carpenter. His big break (American Graffiti) came when he was 31 – an age by which most aspiring actors give up.

I’m not trying to say we can all become star athletes and singers and writers. But if you let go of the identity others have created for you, you can be anything you want. Who knows – you might even change the world or become a rock-star.

Sounds good, right?

Being Your Real Self

To summarize what I’ve said so far:

• Other people start shaping your identity as soon as you’re born.
• The identity and the real self are different.
• By letting go of what other people think, you can do anything.

So how do you stop letting other people shape your destiny and find your true self?

The first and best thing to do is practice positivity. I wrote an article called 5 ways to stay positive every day a while ago. It has 3,500 tweets, likes and stumbles – I think it’s a pretty good post.

When you build up your inner optimism and positivity, you’ll notice that you care less and less about what others think. When you feel really good inside, it’s easy to live in harmony with your desires.

Once that’s done, you need to develop awareness and a solid sense of who you are. I’ll talk about both in the upcoming weeks, so stay tuned.

Outside of friends and family, people don’t often “get” each other. When two people do connect, they usually end up being friends or lovers – mutual understanding is that rare and valuable.

I blame modern Western society; the constant focus on “me, me, me” makes it hard to connect with other people. But creating those valuable connections isn’t hard – in fact all you need to do is stop talking and start listening.

That’s right: don’t wait for your turn to talk; don’t filter out what other people are saying; don’t feed your ego by talking about yourself constantly. Learn to listen – and become someone everyone wants to be around more often.

The Lost Art of Listening

Western society teaches us not to give a shit about other people. It’s always “me” – what “I’m” doing, how “I” feel, what “I” want. Twitter and Facebook are products tailored for a self-absorbed culture – that’s why they’re so popular.

With so many people trying to be heard, there’s a real deficit of listeners. It’s impossible to connect with a person when both of you want to speak but not listen – and that’s exactly why so many people don’t get each other.

So be a listener. It’s an old ass cliché, but women love good listeners – and so do men. We all want to be understood and appreciated; showing that you care is immensely attractive.

Whether you want to get laid, make a friend or chat to someone, you become irresistible by listening and understanding the other person.

The Key to Connecting? Shutting The Fuck Up

I always have something to talk about – new ideas, new experiences, new happenings. For most of my life, I shared all those things with people I talked to because I thought it’d get them to like me.

Only… that’s not how things work.

You do need to talk your fair share; otherwise, conversations will turn into monologues. But listening to your adventures isn’t what makes people like you – being appreciated does.

So know when to shut up – and when you do, really focus on listening and understanding whoever you’re talking to. Make people feel special by treating what they have to say as important. Nobody else does, so it’s a good way to really become unique to people.

Humility, Seduction and Ego

One of the reasons we all talk so much is the ego. We’re men, after all! We want to be heard, we want to be respected and we want to be agreed with – all the fucking time.

My own self-absorption peaked when I started picking up girls. In my world, I was a seducer and the girls I talked to were “targets”; clearly, what they had to say couldn’t be very important.

In retrospect, this wasn’t just a shitty way for me to think – it turned off dozens of women. Instead of listening and caring, I forced my opinions on them; interrupted all the time; half-listened to things that actually mattered. And no matter what anyone tells you, none of those things are attractive.

I say – forget your ego. You don’t have to be right every time; you don’t have to be heard every time. Let other people express their opinions respectfully, and learn what you can – even if you disagree.

It all sounds a bit yoga and low-fat soy latte, but trust me – this shit will get you so much ass you won’t know what to do with it. (Not to mention lots of friends and respect – but I think we can all agree that sex is what really counts in life).

Conclusion

So there you have it – a guide to connecting with people by shutting the hell up.

Of course, what you say is also important… But most people are better at talking than listening, so why not give my way a try and see what it does for you?

You’ve met The Douchebag before.

He’s the guy who tries to tool you in front of a hot girl. The guy who picks fights at clubs for no fucking reason. The pompous, arrogant asshole you hate and want to choke on sight.

Unfortunately, beating up every jerk on earth would take forever. Besides, it’s natural for men to test each other! Fighting every dude who challenges you – douchebag or not – would quickly turn into a full-time occupation.

The smart thing to do is deal with male aggression verbally. Play your cards right and you can get rid of any jerk you meet without lifting a finger! Just follow these simple instructions.

Method #1 – Establish Dominance by Ignoring Him

Imagine you’re out with a group of coworkers and one guy’s trying to make you look bad. He’s cracking joke after joke at your expense – and you can’t think of a way to diffuse the situation. Confront him and he’ll say he was messing around; let him go on and get tooled.

Surprisingly enough, the best – and most effective – thing to do is simple: ignore The Douchebag. Let him try and mess with you; meanwhile, just carry on with whatever you were doing. This works because:

1. Ignoring him establishes you as non-reactive: a powerful and attractive male trait. By refusing to let the jerk bait you, you demonstrate your higher social position. You wouldn’t care if a 5-year old insulted you, so why let someone equally intelligent bother you?

2. When a Douchebag sees you not reacting, he’ll start trying harder and harder to get a reaction out of you… Making himself look like a desperate, bitter try-hard in the process. He makes himself look weak; you look calm and strong to anyone watching; girls start throwing panties in the air. Win.

3. If a guy’s aggressive but not a real douchebag, he’ll see that picking on you’s no fun and let up. Often, men like these will respect you for handling the situation and start acting friendly.

Method #2 – Turn The Jokes Around with Humour

The simplest way to turn a joke around is by agreeing with it – and exaggerating humorously. For a great example, check out this Arnold Schwarzenegger interview snippet. When asked about homosexuality in bodybuilding, Arnie asks for a kiss: immediately, the audience cracks up and the tension is gone.

This works for two reasons. First of all, agreeing with a joke instantly breaks the pressure that Douchebags try to lay on you. By saying “Yes,” you’re changing the flow of the conversation and putting yourself in control.

Second, exaggerating is another display of dominance through non-reaction. You’re not addressing the insult – you’re just having fun and sidestepping it. Classy.

Method #3 – Make Him Seek Your Approval

Making jerks seek your approval is a great way to dominate them in social situations. It doesn’t matter if they’re really trying to impress you – if that’s what it looks like to everyone else, you win. And this method is very stealthy, so it’s great for dealing with cockblocks and people you want to neutralize “under the radar.”

All you need to do is ask a few questions – and then dismiss the target. Here’s an example:

You: So where did you say you work?

Douchebag: Yeah, I’m an accountant at…. (bla bla bla)

Y: Oh, that’s cool! You work out, bro?

D: Yeah, I work out on Mondays and… (bla bla bla)

Y: Great stuff, dude! Keep up the good work!

See? All you did was ask a few questions, and now – as far as anyone watching’s concerned – the jerk’s trying to impress you. And since thoughts follow actions, he’ll start qualifying himself to you in earnest. Once that’s done, dismiss him with a compliment to show you’ve been “sufficiently impressed” – and cement your strong social position.

Final Words

I hate making things complicated – the 3 jerk-destroyers in this post are simple, powerful and versatile. I use #2 all the time – with guys and girls (more on that in an upcoming post). All I ask is that you use this knowledge carefully; don’t be a douchebag. Whatever you do, keep things playful and never pick on people weaker than yourself – karma’s a bitch.

Good luck!

Do you feel inferior to other people? Do you criticize yourself a little too much? Do you struggle with indecisiveness, fear and a weird desire to please everyone?

If you answered “yes,” “yes” and “yes” you probably have low self-esteem.

The bad news is, Low-Self Esteem (LSE) sucks. Everything’s a challenge when you feel small: asking a girl out; getting a raise; even making a phone call (I’ve been there!).

The good news is, LSE is fixable. The term “self-esteem” isn’t random: it refers to the absolute power you have over your self-image. With a little effort, you can learn to love yourself; to be your own loyal ally in any situation.

The first – and most important step – is to avoid the things that make you feel like shit to begin with. Until you learn to recognize and break your negative patterns, you will continue harming your feelings of self-worth.

So let’s go over a few pesky self-esteem destroyers. Check ‘em out, wipe ‘em from your life and learn to love the new, amazing you.

Let’s do this.

1. Social Networks

Isn’t it crazy how hard people work to impress each other? Let’s take Facebook: everyone handpicks photos, songs and statuses that look cool and exciting.

Here’s a photo of the girl you like partying last Saturday; your high school buddy is now backpacking in China; your ex is “in a relationship” with, if her status is to be believed, “THE BEST GUY EVARRR OMG!!!!111”

Meanwhile, you’re sitting at home, surfing Facebook and eating Nutella sandwiches in your sweatpants! Inevitably, your mind starts making unfavorable comparisons. The more time you spend watching other people at their best, the worse you feel.

So go easy on the social networking. Using it to stay in touch is fine, but don’t create an opportunity to make negative comparisons between you and other people. Spend less time on Facebook and more time outside, brother!

2. Toxic People

Toxic people harm your self-esteem, motivation and mood with their negativity. But here’s the crazy part: toxicity isn’t always malicious! A friend or loved one could be holding you back with good intentions.

I once had a wonderful girlfriend who liked me the way I was. In fact, she liked me so much she never supported the things I tried to do. When I told her I wanted an eight-pack, she replied: “You’ll never have one, even if you lose weight – besides, I like you already!”

Sure, she was being protective but she had no faith in me – and it sucked. In the end, being with someone who never supported my efforts was too hard and we broke up. Now I surround myself with positive people – and I couldn’t be happier.

It’s hard to fulfill your potential when someone is dragging you down; be merciless about removing negativity from of your life. If you want to succeed, avoid toxic people and surround yourself with support and understanding.

3. Mass Media

The average American woman is 163 cm and weighs 140 pounds; the average American model is 180 cm and weighs 117 pounds.

It’s not just the U.S. – films, ads and video games characters look nothing like regular men and women no matter where you go. Naturally, many guys feel bad when comparing themselves to ripped, picture-perfect actors.

I say – why make the comparison in the first place?

1. Actors and models don’t look as good in real life – they’re just regular people! The lighting, makeup, camerawork and airbrushing makes a big difference.
2. For men, looks don’t matter (much). The best seducer I know is fat, balding and has messed up teeth: none of that stops him.
3. Stop comparing yourself to other people! At the end of the day, it’s your life to live. Should you feel bad because someone looks good?

If you want to look athletic – work out, if not – don’t. But if you’re comfortable with your looks, don’t let a frickin’ Hollywood movie tell you what a real man looks like.

4. Negative Thinking

Don’t you hate people who flip out over every little mistake? How about those who ignore your proudest achievements? Both types suck all the joy out of any situation, right?

Well, someone is watching you live your life every moment of every day. That someone is you. And if you’re harsh and unfair to yourself, you’ll feel worse than any other person could make you.

If you suspect you’re being unfair to yourself and perpetuating your low self-esteem – try a little warmth and acceptance. Give yourself compliments when you succeed and remember that nobody’s perfect; we all screw up sometimes.

In the end, we’re all people. You have every reason to support and accept yourself! Avoid the LSE traps from this post and make the first step towards becoming your own #1 fan.

A girl I know hired a dating coach because she wasn’t satisfied with the men who asked her out. 2 weeks later, she “fired” him. In her own words, “he sucked – he wanted me to change and it made me feel like crap! What a jerk, right?”

My first thought was – are you fucking kidding me? This chick paid a guy to fix her life and fired him for trying to do just that. Ridiculous. But then, people love coming up with bullshit excuses for inaction and mediocrity.

That won’t work on this girl. I could never work out 4 times a week. Everyone in my family’s overweight; I’m naturally fat! And, in this particular story – well, I just wanted to date better men, not do all that hard work!

Hearing things like that always makes me cringe. Couldn’t, shouldn’t, wouldn’t – in the end, most people never get anywhere and they only have themselves to blame.

Here’s why – and how you can be different.

Be Comfortable With Your Wants

Everyone is trying to sell you junk you don’t need and you don’t even know it. The thousands of ads we’re made to watch are just the tip of the iceberg.

What you’re really being sold is an idea. The idea is simple: you want an 8-pack, lots of hot girls, a fancy car, a great degree and a job that pays. People who buy into this idea usually fail – because really, they don’t care about any of that crap.

Don’t make the same mistake – don’t go for what you’re supposed to want.

Do you want an 8-pack or are you working out to impress women? Do you really want to wake up with a new girl every night? Did you get your degree because you wanted to, or because everyone said: college is important?

Stop chasing someone else’s dreams and find your own Don’t be like everyone else, man. Be comfortable with what you want and go for it – even if nobody else understands.

Stop Bitching, Quit Whining

My friends and I have a simple, unspoken rule. I never give unsolicited advice – but when asked, I drop some ice-cold, devastatingly honest, brutally efficient knowledge on their asses. No bullshit, no minced words.

This surprises people who ask for my opinion for the first time. Most of them don’t want constructive advice – they want pity, attention and reassurance.

And that’s fine (kinda) – just be real with yourself. We all need support, but asking for help and asking to have your ego fellated isn’t the same.

So don’t bitch; don’t moan; don’t pity yourself. Instead, learn from others; ask your friends for support; take advantage of every opportunity. You’ll be unstoppable.

Ignore Your Limiting Beliefs

Here’s something I heard at my first PUA seminar: “You’ll never have that cute girl unless you start talking.”

And it’s true: you’ll never seduce a girl unless you talk to her first. But for that to happen, you need to accept the two of you having hot, kinky sex as a real possibility. Otherwise you’ll never have the motivation to try.

This concept – and the quote – apply to all areas of life. To achieve, you have to believe. You can’t lose weight if you think you’re destined to be fat; you can’t become rich if you’re “poor” and “unlucky” in your head.

So if your mind ever tells you what you want isn’t realistic – tell it to go screw itself. Some things are physically impossible – i.e. I’ll never win an Olympic gold medal for synchronized swimming on account of my penis. Everything else is achievable.

Regular guys like you turn into success stories every day. Don’t let anyone tell you what you want and what you can achieve – you’re the master of your own destiny.

Everything is possible when you know what you want, never complain and believe in yourself. Only one question remains – what are you going to achieve?

My parents were both 22 when my father proposed; they’d known each other for just a few weeks. They got married shortly after and have stayed that way for over two decades.

Until recently, such stories were the norm. A man would meet a girl; fall in love; get married. But in a world of high divorce rates and alternative life choices, things are different.

From Asia to the United States, marriage rates have been falling for decades. Median age at first marriage is rising and single parents are increasingly common. Numbers don’t lie: we’re spending less and less time in marriage.

This is where relationships come in. An elegant solution to the needs of a commitment-phobic generation, they’ve become central to our lives. Even pop culture reflects the trend – my generation watches “How I Met Your Mother,” not “Married with Children”!

And yet, as important as relationships are, we’re awful at them.

As a dating coach, I always heard complaints about unhealthy relationships; controlling girlfriends; the hardships of commitment. But the truth is, a relationship is like a dance – it’s up to the man to lead. If he doesn’t know the moves, it’s hard for his lady to take over and do well. In other words, things usually go bad because we screw up – not our girlfriends.

That’s why it’s up to men like you and I to keep our ladies – and ourselves – happy by stepping up and handling relationships like men. Here’s how.

The 2 Most Important Relationship Questions Ever

Before you commit to a girl, make sure you’re doing it for the right reasons. Always ask yourself two simple questions:

1)   Do I really like this girl?

2)   Am I ready for a relationship right now?

If you can honestly say “Yes and yes,” you’re ready. If can’t – you’re not. It’s that simple.

You might think these questions are obvious – and they are. But the truth is, most guys never ask them. In the heat of the moment, it’s easy to forget that the girl – or the time – is wrong for you.

Let’s say you like a girl very much and want to keep seeing her. Have a lot going on in your life? Working 14-hour days? Getting over an ex? You can overcome distractions like that for a while, but long-term relationships require time and effort. If you can’t – or won’t – make both, don’t commit.

Conversely, when you’re ready for a relationship, don’t settle for just anyone. This is what guys do when they’re on the rebound or desperate and it rarely works. Don’t waste anyone’s time by rushing a decision.

The Foundations of a Successful Relationship: Honesty, Trust, Respect

So you like a girl, she likes you and you want to be together: congratulations! It’s a wonderful feeling. Just remember to establish the three main ingredients of a healthy relationship – honesty, trust and respect – as early as possible.

Honesty comes first: always be upfront about who you are and what you want. We all try to make good impressions, but don’t bend the truth too much and never lie outright. She’ll get to know the real you anyway; why complicate things by pretending?

Respect is a natural product of honesty. A man of character doesn’t hide his thoughts (self-respect) or lie to women (respect for others). Cultivate respect in yourself and you’ll never let an unresolved issue fester, lead a girl on or put up with hurtful behavior. Your values won’t let you.

Of course, being respectful also means being a gentleman. The word means different things to different people, but it’s all about being a positive presence in a woman’s life. There is no excuse for being rude, abusive or manipulative.

Trust is the last ingredient of a great relationship, and it naturally follows Honesty and Respect. When you bring integrity to a relationship, women will trust you naturally. Being open – even when you don’t want to – is key here. Remember: trust isn’t when you count on someone to be perfect. Trust is when you can count on someone to be up-front about their imperfections.

Relationship Maintenance and Time Allocation

Relationships based on honesty, trust and respect are very easy to manage. Still, like anything in life worth having, they require a little maintenance!

First and foremost, don’t be the sloppy guy with a “relationship gut.” You have someone to look good for, so stay in shape and take care of your appearance. Don’t get too comfortable!

In the same vein, being together for a while is not an excuse to neglect your woman. If you’re not making her happy, someone else might. Do everything you can to stay passionate, romantic and caring as the relationship progresses. Never take anything for granted.

The other basic aspect of maintenance is time management. Spending all your time with your significant other is unhealthy; always leave some time for yourself. Hang out with your friends, read a book, go for a walk: do fun things you can tell your lady about later.

If you have the opposite problem – you and your girlfriend don’t spend enough time together – find a common activity. This will help you bond and create new discussion topics. Even if you have different everyday lives, Wednesday Night Salsa will guarantee you spend enough time together and have new things to discuss every week.

Troubleshooting and Damage Control

Every relationship involves compromise: sometimes things go your way, sometimes they don’t. Disagreements are normal. The big question is, how are you handling them?

Always ask yourself how important the outcome of an argument is to you. A man’s ego can get the best of him; if you feel emotional, take a step back and reassess the situation. Learn to pick your battles and avoid getting worked up over things that don’t matter.

When something really important is at stake, though, persist. Just don’t make things personal. Remember: you still love your girlfriend, you’re just having a hard time understanding each other. When you want something, try framing your request like this:

I care about you a lot. It’s really important for me that we work this out. I don’t want to pressure you, but I would be really happy if you could do [what you want her to do]. I don’t want to argue anymore, and I don’t want an answer from you right now: I just want you to think about it. No pressure. We’ll discuss everything later.

You’ll find that being firm – but respectful and patient – works most of the time. Putting things like this gives your girl an opportunity to think without feeling pressured. This works so well there’s hardly ever a “discuss everything later”; most conflicts are resolved quickly when egos are out of the equation.

Breaking Up or Staying Together

I view break-ups as a last resort, but some arguments are impossible to resolve; things don’t always work out. A relationship can be healthy and drama free for years but people grow apart and things change. If you want to break up, always be honest and direct – no bullshit.

If things are working out, on the other hand: congratulations! There are few things I enjoy more than seeing a happy couple. What you have is rare, hold onto it.

Most chain letters are bullshit. To be more specific, they’re superstitious; pseudo-scientific; ignorant. Sure, they’re passed around with good intentions but I still hate getting them.

Imagine my surprise when I got a really cool one a few weeks ago! I liked it so much I forwarded it to my friends – something that’s never happened before.

Now, I want to share the contents of the chain letter with you. It’s a short and very powerful story; take a minute to check it out.

20 Dollars

A lecturer shows his class a crisp, brand-new 20-dollar bill. He asks if anyone wants the money: naturally, all hands go up.

“Before I give this banknote up, I’d like to show you something.” The lecturer takes the money, crumples it in his fist and asks if anyone still wants it. Once again, all hands are raised.

“In that case, I’ll do something else.” This time the lecturer drops the 20$ bill and steps on it. Now, the money’s crumpled and dirty. Still, the class’s reaction doesn’t change – everyone still wants the money, most hands are raised.

This is when the lecturer makes his point:

“This, my friends, is an important lesson. Despite everything I did to this piece of paper, you still want it. It hasn’t lost its value; it’s still worth 20$.

We all face hard times; fall down; get stepped on. That’s life.

But no matter what happens, you will never lose your value. Dirty or clean, neat or crumpled, you are always worth the same.”

Reflection

Sometimes, less is more – I won’t write much in this post because the story already speaks volumes.

What I would really like to know, though, is what YOU think. So shoot me an e-mail or post your thoughts in the comments box below.

Looking forward to hearing from everyone!