Guest Post: Why Men Suck at Sex (A Woman’s P.O.V.)

by Elgie R. on December 7, 2012

This just in: men are insecure about their performance in bed. Why else would most spam letters be about penis enlargement and last-longer pills? It’s like that because somehow, somewhere, men are actually buying these bullshit products.

If you asked a woman, though, she’d probably tell you that size and endurance are the least of her concerns. If a guy can’t please a girl, it’s rarely because he’s physically limited. Most men suck at sex because they just don’t get what women want.

A couple of weeks ago, a lady reader – Elgie R. – replied to the post, “Do Women Really Want Sex More Than Men?”. In her insightful, ballsy comment about foreplay and sex, she explained why most men are awful in bed better than I ever could.

With Elgie’s permission, I present her guest post below. Fellas, you need to read this, because if you’re making these mistakes you’ll be shit at sex forever. Educate yourself and start blowing girls’ minds in the sack!

Why Men Suck at Sex – a Woman’s P.O.V.

I’m sorry, but the cork is out of this frustrated genie’s bottle.

“Foreplay “ is a defamed word I think. Relegated to the ranks of “opening act” or “warm-up comedian”. Meaning it’s not the real reason we’re here…it’s just the side course before the main dish.

I’d like to remove that word from sexual encounters and call everything that one person does to bring carnal pleasure to another SEX. It’s all SEX. We women want more SEX.

I know…reach for a sports analogy when you want to get through to most males.

The Grand Slam in baseball: a pretty terrific thing. Does the base hit that came before, the ground rule double, the bunt, the sacrifice fly, all those things that came before and got 3 men on base – do you guys dismiss that as foreplay?? It’s all BASEBALL. There were a lot of “oooh” and “ahhh” moments to build up to the point that a Grand Slam could occur….right?

Would you guys prefer a rules change in baseball, where all a player has to do is get a base hit – and that counts as a run? No challenge, no suspense, no build up.  Just get to first base and it’s a home run. Turn around and go home. That’s what having sex is like for a lot of women.

You give me a stick and grab my tits, and suddenly I’m supposed to be in ecstasy. That’s not a magic wand between your legs, fellas. It’s not like you stick it in and suddenly I reach nirvana. Not trying to hurt feelings. It’s just that I’ve had a bit of experience and the newer crop of guys still doesn’t seem to know any better.

Build up. That’s what we women are requesting. And quiet as it is kept, that’s what a lot of you men would like too: build up. My current guy, who does NOTHING to build me up, salivates like a dog over having me play with his feet. I am fascinated by how his ember grows when I play with his feet. I love hearing his moans. I love when my guy jumps onto the bed onto his stomach practically begging me to play with his ..uh…backfield areas. I always try to find a new pleasure spot on his body. This man is in his 50s and has quite a release after all that build-up! But he never does anything to me in return except stick a hand between my legs.

Since my early twenties, I seriously considered creating a questionnaire for any potential lover, where we sit on the edge of my bed before our first encounter and go down a checklist to determine what it is he DOES NOT do. So I could determine if it was even worth the effort.

I was spoiled in my mid-twenties by my first real lover. He sexed up my entire body. I could tell he really enjoyed finding pleasure spots and making me shiver. No one has kissed my ear and neck that way since him. Or played with the back of my thighs. Or tickled my buttocks. Or played teasing games with my girls. Or put love bites on my stomach. He was an excellent lover AND he taught me things to do to him. He saw I was interested in returning the pleasure. Sex was never an issue in our relationship.

He told me once that he was with a woman who was stepping out on her boyfriend. As they got into it, she stopped him. She got out of the bed and said “I can’t do this with you, because my boyfriend does not do it like this.” I believe that is a true story. She could not allow herself to know what real pleasure is like because it would cause a rift in her primary relationship.

I admit I am gun-shy about telling men what to do in bed. I tried it once and was rebuffed. I’d been seeing this man for 7 months, we were both in our 30’s. He had a lot of nice qualities, but he never gave me a climax. He climaxed every time. I hung in there for 7 months, thinking that he might get invested enough in me to want to improve.

So one night on the phone, I told him I need to talk about our sex life. He said, “It’s about time.” That surprised me a bit, but I pressed on and said “I need more things done to me.” He said “If you want our sex life to be equal, then you’ll have to do less to me.” I was stunned, and that was the end of the relationship for me.

Surprisingly, he called about 3 months later and asked me to go with him on a weekend trip. I was surprised he asked me because he was a ladies man with lots of choices, but I went, we had fun, slept together with no sex for two nights, and the whole ride home he talked angrily about how he never takes a woman on an overnight and doesn’t have sex.  You shoulda taken someone else was my thought. He’s married now. Amazing.

So don’t tell me that every guy is dying to know how to please a woman.  I really believe many men get off on leaving women unsatisfied.  Kinda like you secretly hate us.  If it wasn’t for sex, you’d have nothing to do with us.

You guys are so “ME” centered with sex.  If a woman treats you like shit, then you will do whatever you can to reel her in.  But even in those cases, do you guys step up your sexual game?  I think there are many men and women walking around who have never experienced friendly exploratory sex. I sometimes wonder if couples truly LIKE each other, because you gotta like a person to want to give them an unusually good time in the sack.

Anyway……my next lover is going to be a good lover. No scrubs.  Hope to find him soon, cuz the older I get the faster time goes and I want to have mutual fun in bed while I can.  And I am going to use the questionnaire before we ever get started!

Elgie R. is a “woman of a certain age” who has decided to champion orgasms for everybody. She doesn’t have a blog, but if she decides to take her writing online, I’ll be the first to sign up to her newsletter!

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{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }

J. Delancy December 12, 2012 at 2:11 pm

Elgie R:

Ouch! you’re cutting deep. There are many selfish lovers out there both male and female. Meeting too many of them will certainly leave emotional scars.
Truly, a woman should feel only sympathy for a man who doesn’t know how to make love, eat p**sy and refuses to take instruction.

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George P.H. December 13, 2012 at 10:47 am

What I like about you, Jeremy, is that you always say it like it is :) .

What I really liked about Elgie’s post was that she didn’t just bash men – she said they view sex as an end-goal and not a process all too often. Women have their own problems when it comes to sex though, for sure.

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code December 12, 2012 at 8:38 pm

I tend to be way to giving in bed. But I get off on pleasuring women. Only thing with me is I am a one woman type of guy. I take years between relationships its just the way it goes with me. But when I do find a special woman (I am very selective) I am the energizer bunny. So many of my friends are stick it and leave type of guys. And then they wonder why these women don’t come back for more.

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George P.H. December 13, 2012 at 10:55 am

I agree with what you’re saying. Seduction is a process, and it takes time. If you don’t like a girl enough to be around her and have sex multiple times, why bother making the effort?

As for being a one-woman man, you sound like one of my best friends. He got it from his dad who courted his mom for 4 years (!!!) before she agreed to marry him. They’ve been together for over 25 years, which just goes to show that you don’t need to sleep with 1000 women to find fulfillment.

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Elgie R. December 14, 2012 at 3:00 am

I’ve learned from this blog that in many ways I need to man-up too. So I man-upped and wrote to my lover. I gave specific sexual things I would like him to do with me …knowing he can’t read my mind.

But our next encounter was not successful for me. His attempts to do what I asked came like afterthoughts. I guess I broke a tacit agreement that he does it one way and if it works for you fine, but if not, well it was still good for him. It shut me down emotionally and physically.

And I’ve found that I really don’t want to negotiate for good sex. It takes the fun out of it for me if good sex is not freely given. Tit for tat has no place in the bedroom in my point of view.

I’m not surprised he is a limited lover. He’s the guy I avoided in high-school. The popular jock. But high school is decades ago now, yet he is still carrying on like he is the jock who can treat girls badly.

I remember him saying once that “all his ex’s hate him”.

I am glad I spoke up and gave negotiation a try. It’s a beginning to cultivating my performance success. I actually asked for what I wanted and he did make an attempt.

There’s all kinds of variables that play into relationships…but I figure it like this…people want significant others that somehow raise their social status. Men will work hard for the woman who raises his social status. Women will accept terrible love-making from a guy who raises her social status.

The good lover described above was 13 years older…so I was his trophy, I guess. The two terrible lovers I described above are tall & handsome ex-high school almost-pro jocks. I was the invisible smart girl with thick glasses who observed more than participated in the high school pecking order. Now that I have contact lenses, the ex-jocks who now work desk jobs find me appealing enough to bang, I guess. But when I show the temerity to ask them to bring something to the sexual table……things fizzle.

I gotta find the guy who appeals to my brain and my eyes who also thinks I bring him some status.

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George P.H. December 17, 2012 at 9:18 pm

It takes a lot of guts to put yourself out there and take a chance like that. I think you did the right thing; we all have the right to ask for the things we want. Sure, it doesn’t always work out, but asking is a huge victory all in itself.

This also reminds me of the first thing I always said to guys as a dating coach: “Your perfect 10 is out there, waiting for you.” This applies to you as well; right now, there’s an incredible man desperately waiting for someone like you to appear in his life.

Since you’ve already started manning up in your personal life, all that’s left is to go all the way and find him :) .

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